God damn it

HEY!!!!

This may be my last entry for a few days at least, until my dad goes back home. I had to leave the store where Jack works pretty abruptly this morning, this girl was telling him how sexy he looks, and I knew I was seconds away from saying something I shouldn't. I know it's my own fault for not being able to tell him how I feel, and I really have no right to be so jealous, but I am super jealous right now. I don't know if I can really face him tomorrow after this. I practically ran out the door for no apparent reason. God, I can be so stupid sometimes. It just pissed me off, I couldn't help it. Excuse me for not being some shameless skank, you know? PLEASE tell me that's not the only kind of girl he's into, tell me he's better than that. The girl was right though, he looks amazing today. I love this dark blue sleeveless shirt he has, it shows how perfectly developed the muscles in his back and arms are, and he looks so gorgeous in it. God, I am so lame. Why couldn't I just tell him that? I told him I liked the shirt, and he smiled and said "Thank you". The bastard just had to use his smile on me, didn't he? I swear he knows what that does to me, namely it makes my heart beat like it's going to punch its way out of my chest. I think I should either just tell him I'm crazy about him, and deal with the almost inevitable rejection, or quit bothering him. I just can't shake the memory of what happened the last time I told a guy that, and totally humiliated myself. I wonder just what it is about him that makes me so crazy, besides the obvious. Maybe the mere fact that I do feel some emotional connection with him, and the fact that he was another kid who says he probably wouldn't be here if he hadn't discovered music. I hate that this is almost exclusively one-sided, though there are moments when we're just talking and laughing, just as a guy and a girl, that I almost swear he's feeling it, too. When I'd decided to check his band out, for example, and I bought my Jack Sparrow bracelet, he came up and handed me a better one, saying "Here, that one's kind of falling apart. Here's a better one." It messed me up big time to have him standing so close to me, believe me; then again when I was looking for a new hoodie. It's mostly because of times like that, when our collective guard is down, that I feel we do connect. It becomes all the more painful when one of us inevetibly raises their gurad again, and kills it. I'm not certain of that,though, and it makes me even more chickenshit. I'm worried too, that I'm not pretty enough for him, because he really is gorgeous. That girl this morning and I aren't the only ones to come in to admire him, trust me. God damn it! It was so funny watching this other girl a few months ago, Jack asked her if he could help her find something, and she blushed, giggled, and said "Um, not right now, thank you." I couldn't help but think she was as obvious as I am. My hands actually started shaking the first time I talked to him. What's even funnier is that one of his buddies came in to hang out with him, while he and I were chatting, and his friend started hitting on me. This is starting to sound like some horrible soap opera or something, but it's all true. >_> This makes for killer story material, and I have started writing a story about the whole Trevor/Jack/ me situation. It's a REALLY stressful way to live a life though, believe me. Another thing that sucks is that my family and I had planned to fucking finally go to Canada, and those plans just got cancelled. I was really looking forward to that, and now it's not happening. I had better at least get to go see Jack's band again this Summer, simply as a break from the daily grind. I'd still love to do something else, but I don't know what yet, at least not something that requires a lot of money. I'd like to sleep some more too, I woke up this morning after about 5 1/2 hours, and knew I couldn't go back to sleep. That would be about the 8th or 9th time this has happened in a row, and it SUCKS. I'm so tired right now. I'm kind of hoping I'm making mountains out of molehills again as far as the whole Dad/ Jack situations go, as I have a tendency to worry too much, but I somehow doubt it. I guess that's it for today. Thanks for reading.

Today's song is

"Duality" by Slipknot. AWEOSME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!