The Three Wise Men, and a (now) wiser woman

HEY!!!!!!!!!

I have some time to write, so I figure what the hell, I might as well. I wanted to write about Saturday night's show. AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!! This is approximately what Jack looked like, only better. He has a surprisingly hairy chest. ^_~ Oh, well. He plays SO beautifully, and seems so calm and happy onstage. I love watching him, especially when that look comes over his face as he plays. I, sadly, didn't look half as cool. I totally spazed out, though I don't think anyone really noticed. They weren't watching me, you know? I hope he doesn't mind that I'm a total geek and spaz under the cool, standoffish goth exterior. I looked something like Usagi-chan here, and I hate myself for totally losing my cool like that, again.

Anyway, I had a great time. I totally chikened out when I had the chance to hang out afterward, I suck. I think the singer for his band's at least seen me before, it sure as hell looked like him hanging out the window of a car that sped past me, grinning and waving in a totally dorky manner. I wonder if Jack was driving, and told him to wave at me. Please, God, tell me it was. It wasn't Jack's car, I know that. Jack's got a pretty nice little green Toyota, not a crappy little rusted orange hatch-back. Anyway, I know Jack's got something of a dorky side, too, he just controls it better than I do. I guess I better get to the more serious stuff I'd intended to write about when I started to write. I chose today's entry title because talking to my brothers, Mark and Danny, and listening to Jack's music have really helped me gain some perspective on all the crap that I've been attempting to work my way through lately. It helped me realize I've been a total pissy, whinny, immature little bitch about basically everything, and I shouldn't behave like that. I'm better than that, and if I keep it up, I may as well kiss the few people who love me goodbye, because they won't want to be around me if I'm like that. I want to thank them for making me feel better, understanding me, and simply giving me a way to vent my feelings. I love you all, guys. In different ways, naturally, but I DO love them all. I tend to internalize everything, until it just explodes, usually on someone who doesn't deserve it. That person, in this case, is my mom. I totally read her the riot act yesterday, and I feel terrible. I love you too, mom. I'm sorry. I just have trouble processing all this shit at once, I still do, and I have to learn to deal with it properly. I hate feeling like so much is happening at once that I'm about to drown in it. That's one of the reasons I wanted to see Jack's band play, it kind of gives me a sense of release and calm to listen to music. I was happy just to be one in the crowd, cheering, singing, and screaming my heart out with everyone else. I absolutely understand why Jack does this, it's one of the best stress reducers ever. I guess I can deal with it now, I just always freak out over everything. My grandma's like this, and she's actually put herself in the hospital she got so freaked out over stupid little things. I DO NOT want that to be the next 50, 60, or whatever years of my life, you know? I HAVE to do something about this, NOW. I guess that's all for right now. Thanks for reading. This really is my last entry for this week, at least. I plan on being back asap. I also plan on going to see Jack's band again, and going swimming.

Today's song is "Precious" by Depeche Mode I LOVE it!!

God damn it

HEY!!!!

This may be my last entry for a few days at least, until my dad goes back home. I had to leave the store where Jack works pretty abruptly this morning, this girl was telling him how sexy he looks, and I knew I was seconds away from saying something I shouldn't. I know it's my own fault for not being able to tell him how I feel, and I really have no right to be so jealous, but I am super jealous right now. I don't know if I can really face him tomorrow after this. I practically ran out the door for no apparent reason. God, I can be so stupid sometimes. It just pissed me off, I couldn't help it. Excuse me for not being some shameless skank, you know? PLEASE tell me that's not the only kind of girl he's into, tell me he's better than that. The girl was right though, he looks amazing today. I love this dark blue sleeveless shirt he has, it shows how perfectly developed the muscles in his back and arms are, and he looks so gorgeous in it. God, I am so lame. Why couldn't I just tell him that? I told him I liked the shirt, and he smiled and said "Thank you". The bastard just had to use his smile on me, didn't he? I swear he knows what that does to me, namely it makes my heart beat like it's going to punch its way out of my chest. I think I should either just tell him I'm crazy about him, and deal with the almost inevitable rejection, or quit bothering him. I just can't shake the memory of what happened the last time I told a guy that, and totally humiliated myself. I wonder just what it is about him that makes me so crazy, besides the obvious. Maybe the mere fact that I do feel some emotional connection with him, and the fact that he was another kid who says he probably wouldn't be here if he hadn't discovered music. I hate that this is almost exclusively one-sided, though there are moments when we're just talking and laughing, just as a guy and a girl, that I almost swear he's feeling it, too. When I'd decided to check his band out, for example, and I bought my Jack Sparrow bracelet, he came up and handed me a better one, saying "Here, that one's kind of falling apart. Here's a better one." It messed me up big time to have him standing so close to me, believe me; then again when I was looking for a new hoodie. It's mostly because of times like that, when our collective guard is down, that I feel we do connect. It becomes all the more painful when one of us inevetibly raises their gurad again, and kills it. I'm not certain of that,though, and it makes me even more chickenshit. I'm worried too, that I'm not pretty enough for him, because he really is gorgeous. That girl this morning and I aren't the only ones to come in to admire him, trust me. God damn it! It was so funny watching this other girl a few months ago, Jack asked her if he could help her find something, and she blushed, giggled, and said "Um, not right now, thank you." I couldn't help but think she was as obvious as I am. My hands actually started shaking the first time I talked to him. What's even funnier is that one of his buddies came in to hang out with him, while he and I were chatting, and his friend started hitting on me. This is starting to sound like some horrible soap opera or something, but it's all true. >_> This makes for killer story material, and I have started writing a story about the whole Trevor/Jack/ me situation. It's a REALLY stressful way to live a life though, believe me. Another thing that sucks is that my family and I had planned to fucking finally go to Canada, and those plans just got cancelled. I was really looking forward to that, and now it's not happening. I had better at least get to go see Jack's band again this Summer, simply as a break from the daily grind. I'd still love to do something else, but I don't know what yet, at least not something that requires a lot of money. I'd like to sleep some more too, I woke up this morning after about 5 1/2 hours, and knew I couldn't go back to sleep. That would be about the 8th or 9th time this has happened in a row, and it SUCKS. I'm so tired right now. I'm kind of hoping I'm making mountains out of molehills again as far as the whole Dad/ Jack situations go, as I have a tendency to worry too much, but I somehow doubt it. I guess that's it for today. Thanks for reading.

Today's song is

"Duality" by Slipknot. AWEOSME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Freak on a leash

HEY!!!!!

I'm back again, if only to bitch some more. You have no idea how cathartic this is for me, though. I always feel better after I write, like a load's been lifted off my chest or something. Jack screams into a mic and shreds on his guitar for catharsis, and I write. God, I'm starting to miss him. I know I'll get to at least gawk up at him on Saturday, but until then, I WANT TO SEE HIM. I was lying on my bed last night, thinking and listening to his band (again), and got inspired to write a poem based on one of themes of the first song on their EP. I don't know how much sense it makes really, since I started putting my feelings about "us" into it. I'll write it up later in this entry. Of course, it would also help if you could hear the song. >_> I'm still panicking about my dad's coming here next week, too. I'm trying so hard to fight the panic, but it's almost impossible. Mark actually made me feel so much better when I was freaking out again yesterday, I swear that kid is more of an adult than I am sometimes. I know it's supposed to be a good thing that my dad wants to see us now, but we're all grown, and it's really hard to think of what to say to him. I'm actually almost afraid that he'll be disappointed in me, I wasn't like this really when he last saw me. I can't just erase the goth, you know? I guess I'll just have to deal with all of this as best I can. Okay, here's my poem:

Her heart is a sheltered cove not many have been to,

His heart is a distant harbor, warm and open, but so very far away

There is a small, but steady current connecting them,

Only few know of it

It gives them both warmth, life, and reminds them they're not as isolated as they think.

Okay, yeah, it makes a HELL of a lot more since if you heard the song.

Today's song is " Prelude 12/21" by AFI LOVE them!!!!

Thanks, BYE!!!!!

The Perfect Boy

HEY!!!!

I just wanted to write a short update here. I did go see "Pirates" again, I roped poor Mark into coming with me. Now I'm dying to know if Jack went, too. I thought we had some connection, based on the mere fact that we happen to like some of the same movies, music, hated the high school we both went to all too breifly, wear glasses, have older brothers who wear glasses, and have an addiction to a certain energy drink. I know it doesn't sound like much, but believe me, I was so happy to have anything in common with him, it made me think maybe there was something there between us. I was kind of hoping that he'd show up when I was there, but since I stupidly forgot to tell him which times the movie was playing at, I'm not surprised he didn't show up. Maybe he didn't really intend to go, but since he actually started gong on about how these were his favorite movies ever, I thought he'd make the time to go see it. He seems so damn close to perfect, it makes me kind of ashamed to be myself. I'm afraid I might be a little smater than he is, in some ways. I noticed that he screwed up a really basic English concept in the "thank you" section of their EP liner, and it made the writer in me cringe to know that the guy I've been so nuts about for about a year and a half didn't know that.
I'm still excited for the show this Saturday, of course, and I'm (obviously) still mad about him, but I do think it's sad he doesn't know something Mark knows, and Mark is 4 1/2 years younger. I like him enough that it really doesn't matter, I gather he didn't spend so much time doing his homework in school, he was learning to play guitar. I still haven't heard from Trevor, which is still strange. I'm kind of afraid I hurt him really badly. I hope he's okay. I guess that's all for right now.

The song for today is "Vermillion" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!

American idiot

HEY!!!!!!!!!

Sorry about the rather short entry yesterday, I didn't have a lot of time. I'm feeling a little better today, but still kind of terrible that this little plan I had totally blew up in my face. I haven't heard from of seen Trevor lately, either. It's just strange, because normally he loves talking to me. I told him about Jack, and his band, telling him I promised him I'd go their next show. I think I may have made him jealous, he seemed more than a little unhappy at the mere mention of another guy in my life, despite the fact that I used the qualifier "friend" to describe him. I feel really guilty now, I tried to explain about Jack, and I guess I blew it. I didn't even get to another friend of mine, who's the drummer in the only Death Metal band anywhere around here. I think he dislikes that I hang out with guys like Jack, and Chris, my drummer friend. Chris and I have been friends since high school, though, he's been REALLY good to me. I'm hoping I didn't really hurt Trevor, though, I'd feel so terrible. I don't know if he has any right to be jealous of any guy I know, I've barely known him 2 months. I have to admit that I'd be way jealous, of any girl Jack knows, though, which I don't have any right to be, either. I miss him, though, when I don't get to see him, and Trevor says he misses me when he doesn't get to see me. I blew him off the last time I saw him, I was in a mad rush to pick up Mark, my baby brother, and as it was, I was late getting to him. I shouldn't have done that, I know that, but if I hadn't, he would've tried to go with me, and I wasn't having that. I wouldn't be taking Jack with me to go get Mark, trust me, he's WAY protective of his big sister. My entire family is way protective of me, for that matter. I've told Mark about Jack though, and he laughs and says "Dude, I think this guy likes you." I giggled stupidly at the thought, but I think he's wrong about that. I think it's funny how my sister, Cassie, and Mark both call me "dude", more often than "Angie" or "sis", though I'm very glad that Cassie and I can finally call each other "sis" unironically. I think that's a huge sign of personal progress on both our parts, and I DON'T want that to change. I commented again on Jack's band's facebook page, and he actually wrote back this time. ^_^ It was just a really quick "Hi, what's up? Thanks for being so nice", kind of comment, but damn it, I was so happy about it. I guess that's all for right now. Thanks again for reading.

I have 2 songs for today, since again, I forgot to add one yesterday.

1."Capital G" by Nine Inch Nails, AWESOME!!!!

2. "The Perfect Boy' by The Cure, one of the best of their newer songs.

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!

Land of confusion pt. 2

HEY!!!!!!!

Sorry that I've been gone so long again. It's been more of the same, basically, just so much stuff all at once. I shouldn't be complaining, I guess. I just wish things would go my way more often. I just got back from hanging out with Jack, he's still something of an enigma to me. At first, I was being kind of chatty, then he took over the conversation. I'm afraid I really screwed up, I kept dropping hints that I wanted him to ask me to "Pirates" with him, and he didn't ask. I wish I felt brave enough to just ask him to the showing they're having at this little art house theater for the next 4 days, but I'm a total wuss. That seems to be my natural tendency, plus I'm TERRIFIED of rejection. I felt somehow like I got rejected today, even though he didn't say so in so many words. I guess that's really all there is new, Jack-related, at least. If he weren't so gorgeous, I could think of a few cogent or even funny things to say every time I talk to him. I don't think he thinks I'm funny at all, at least not intentionally. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks for reading, and please bare with me.

BYE!!