From bad to worse

Hey!!!!

I guess today's entry title should be pretty self-explanatory, but I'll elaborate. My dad called again a few days after my last entry, to say that he had a heart attack. It was a minor one, and there wasn't really any damage to his heart, but it's still scary to think of what could have happened. I think he'll still be coming up here if his doctor okays it. I really hope he'll be okay, and does what his doctor tells him. I felt horrible when I found out about it, because I'd told mom I didn't really want to see him. I got to see Jack again yesterday, after almost a month of not seeing him, and it was both great and very disappointing. It was great because we spent another 15, maybe 20 minutes alone just chatting. I bought a "Pirates" shirt and he asked if I'd seen the movie yet, because he hadn't. I swear, for a split second I thought maybe he was leading up to asking me to see it with him. I'd kind of hoped something like this would happen, and I honestly thought in that moment that it would, but it didn't. I asked myself why I didn't just ask him myself, that was the perfect opening. I'm usually pretty intuitive, and I got that vibe from him. I'm hoping that I didn't misinterpret the situation, and that we both just totally wussed out in the end. His band has another few pretty big shows during the time that my dad's supposed to be here, which (sadly) means that I'm out and will have to wait again to see them live. We talked about his band, and he wanted to know which song of theirs is my favorite. I told him it was a tie, and it turns out the 2 songs I mentioned are also his favorites, I've heard him drumming the melody of one of them out on the counter when he gets bored or impatient at work. I'm pretty sure he was being sincere when he said those 2 are his favorites, and he would know since he wrote them. I also mentioned that his band's EP got a really good review in a local newspaper and he grins and says "I was so stoked when I saw that." Somehow, the term "stoked" isn't so stupid when he says it. ^_~ I'm just kind of desperate to know if he feels anything like I feel when we talk, if I had the slightest inclination that the feeling was mutual, I wouldn't be so scared to just go for it. I know that he remembers things about me, and that we do have some things in common, but I'm afraid that he doesn't think I'm pretty enough for him, and that's why he didn't ask me out yesterday. I know it's utter bullshit to reject someone based solely on physical appearance, but it happens every day. I do think it boosts his ego, though, to have a girl, even a slightly less pretty girl than he's probably used to, fawn over him and his music like that. I don't think it was fake when he grinned at me, but I'm not sure, and that bugs the hell out of me. I guess that's it for right now.

Thanks for reading!!!

The song for today is "A devil for me" by The Black Veil Brides I owe Jack for recomending this song to me, it ROCKS.

STRESSED

HEY!!!!!!

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to this, it wasn't deliberate, I swear. I thought I was freaking out last time I wrote, that was nothing compared to this. My dad is officially coming up here in about 3 weeks, and I swear I almost start hyperventilating every time I think about it. He's missed my entire adult life so far, most of my adolescence, and a good chunk of my childhood, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be talking to him about when he gets here. He admits himself that he knows next to nothing about me or my older brother, and he wants to try and fix that. Our 3 younger siblings are our half brothers and sister, our mom divorced our dad when I was still a baby. We don't think of them as "half" anything, though, which I think is pretty awesome. What's really funny about this is that my older brother, Danny, said exactly what I just said about our dad, and our mom kept pushing us to talk to him, anyway. What sucks more is that the whole Trevor/Jack/me situation hasn't been resolved, either. Trevor caught up with me again last Tuesday, and actually followed me a good part of the way home. This is where my little infatuation with Jack differs from Trevor's infatuation with me, I'd never follow Jack like that. He keeps asking me out, and asking me out, and I thought after the first few "no" responses, he'd have gotten the point on his own. I haven't seen Jack since the last time I wrote, either, and it sucks. I do think this helps prove that I'm not as bad as Trevor, at least I hope so. I wish I could have gone to his band's last 2 shows though, the second of which was just last night. I love the look on his face when he plays, all intense and serious. He looks a lot more like Jade when he plays, SO PRETTY. I'm going to make mum the word as far as Jack goes when my dad is here, trust me. My grandma is also sick, to add more crap to this already huge pile of crap on my shoulders. She looks like she'll be okay, though, fortunately. I just wish that all this crap hadn't piled up at once. I've talked some more with my best friend about her impending divorce, and it turns out the girl her soon to be ex-husband cheated on her with used to be her friend and co-worker. Can you say "ouch"? She also told me she's found another guy that she'd like to date, also named Jack, and she and I have the same first name. Is that funny or what? I guess that's all for right now.

The song for today is

"Gehenna" by Slipknot AWESOME!!!!!!!!

Thanks for reading!!!

Land of confusion.....

Hey!!! I've had a lot happen in the short time since I wrote last, and it's all sucked. I've hardly shut my i Pod off since I woke up, the music helps. That's kind of why that picture is up there. I got a call at about 8:00 this morning from my dad, wanting me to call him back, and I haven't yet, because I simply don't know what to say to him. I don't know if he'll call again, if I don't call him first. I wasn't ignoring the phone, I honestly didn't hear it ring. He might think I was ignoring him, though, and I don't want that, either. Then, Trevor keeps bugging me to talk to him, and he wants me to spend more time with him, and I don't know if I really want to. I want to spend time with Jack, but I haven't seen him in a week, and I don't know how much he wants to see me. Then, there's the matter of my mom and my baby brother. They both act like they really need me to be around, and they argue like 2 spoiled kids if I'm not there to act as a buffer. What the fuck am I supposed to do about all this? I seriously wish I were the Wonder Woman type who could fix all this, who always knew what to do. It's made even worse by the fact that I want everyone to come out of this happy, and I don't know how to make that happen. I guess that's it for right now, I just needed to get this off my chest. I forgot to add a song for yesterday, so I'll add 2 for today.
1.- "People=shit" by Slipknot It's definitely been that kind of day.
2." "Fade to black" by Metallica Because I LOVE it.

Just like heaven, only not........

HEY!!!

Sorry about slacking off here again for a bit, but I've been both pretty sick and pretty busy. I've seen Jack again, and almost wish I hadn't. He was cold, distant, and sort of dismissive, and it hurt. He was just very un-Jack like, normally he's sweet, talkative, and funny. I didn't exactly help things by not being very talkative that day either, but I thought that we would just start bullshitting like we always do, and we didn't. Trevor, that guy I met at the library last week, is sweet in a way, but just NOT what I'm looking for. He's going to be following me around for some time, though, until I tell him I don't feel the same about him and and break his poor heart. I feel guilty that I haven't told him yet, and I hate myself for not being honest with him. I also hate myself for vaguely enjoying his fawning attention. He said I was beautiful, and as a girl who's never really felt beautiful, it made me feel really good about myself. I'm going to hell though if I keep playing with him, right? I've been in his shoes, though, I AM in his shoes when it comes to Jack. It's just nice in a way to be the one being fawned over for once, you know? Okay, sorry. I've kind of let this blog devolve into a forum to bitch about my guy issues, and I shouldn't do that. Onto another subject, then. ^_^ The picture I put up is kind of for my sister and I, to symbolize the fact that after about 7 years of near constant fighting, arguing, and bitching at each other, we've buried the hatchet and become friends. I look most like Belldandy, but I'm the older sister, so that doesn't fit. Too bad Urd's my favorite character, but my sister looks a lot more like her, so that's what I'm going with. I guess that's it for right now, thanks for letting get this out.

BYE!!!!!!!!