Okay, better now

HEY!!!!!!!

I wanted to write that Kevin actually said he was sorry for wha he said, and that he was drunk. Somehow, this fails to suprise me. Anyway, I'll let it go. I also wanted to say that I heard the first minute and 10 seconds of Jack's band's new song, and it is AWESOME. I can't wait to hear the rest of it. I swear, these guys get better every time they play. I'm amazed at how far they've come in just the few months I've known them. I guess that's really about it for right now. I have to get going. Thanks yet again for reading.

Today's song is "Miss Murder" by AFI ^_^

BYE!!!!!!!!!

Guys, wtf? (again)

HEY!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to apologize to any male readers of my blog right away, I'm just kind of pissed at all guys right now. Well, Kevin hasn't done or said anything else after what happened yesterday. Maybe he's as embarrassed as I am. I'm embarrassed enough for the both of us, believe me. Who tries to arrange a booty call over Facebook, anyway? God, I hope he just lets it go. If we never talk again, that would probably be okay. I'm not going to tell anyone about it, I'm so embarrassed. He probably won't want to talk again anyway, now that he knows I'll never sleep with him. It pisses me off that this isn't the first time something like this has happened. There was this guy who started hitting on me on the bus, and he just kept starring at me, even though I didn't talk to him. What else do I have to do to give off a "fuck off" vibe? I mean, if I wanted his attention, I would've asked him something.Okay, enough. I guess that's it for right now.

Today's song is "Welcome home (sanitarium)" by Metallica

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!

Awkward...

HEY!!!!!!!

I'm sorry to say that my intuition was right yet again. Kevin called today, and asked if I wanted to fool around. I shouldn't have said anything, that's what always gets me. I tried to be as diplomatic as possible, but I still had to say "Hell, no." I don't really know if there's a nice way to reject someone. I shouldn't have added him, I should have been smarter and more careful. The thing is, he and I were

friends before. I don't know why I didn't learn my lesson, I'm an idiot. I just hope he still wants to be friends, and that it won't be totally awkward. Yet, how can it not be? *Pounds head on computer desk* I'm stupid....... On the up side, Jack's band is playing again in about 2 1/2 weeks. I really want to go, but will more than likely have to work. I hope he at least invites me, I'm kind of glad just to know he wants me there. ^_^ I don't know how much more I have to add, this just kind of threw me off. I guess that's it for right now. I'll probably be back tomorrow with today's aftermath. I really hope things won't be like this tomorrow, too.

Today's song is "Stupid girl" by Garbage

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sharing....again

HEY!!!!!!

I'm back again for a bit. I'm having kind of a weird chat right now with one of my guy friends. I haven't gotten to talk to him very much in a long time, he's one of the guys I added on Facebook in a vain attempt to get back at Jack. One of the first questions he asked is if I've got a boyfriend. *sighs* I am just SO not going there with him. I also just read some more of Jack's new lyrics, and yet again, they're amazing. I kind of wonder if by getting this guy back in my life, I've just made more of a mess for myself. I hope not. I'm finally also getting around to adding some pictures of Japan to my Facebook page. I'm wondering how my friends will like them. I was also texting Cory until about 20 minutes ago, talk about overstimulated. I think I got Kevin, the guy I was messaging, to back off. Of course, that doesn't mean he didn't ask me to talk to him again. I was talking to Nate, too. Have I mentioned I love him? I love Nate more like a brother almost than as a friend. I love Jack, too, of course. I love him not only romantically, but as a friend, and as someone who understands anything about me. I'm somehow very grateful that he does understand me at all. I need to calm down. I really can't bitch about being lonely at all anymore. Not that I'm complaining, honestly. I really like having all of these people around, believe me. I was asking my friends if they think it's stupid that I want to be a writer, and almost right away Nate and my friend Hannah answered that of course it's not stupid. I LOVE them. It's funny that while I might be sitting here alone as I type this, I'm totally NOT alone. I could easily text, e-mail, call, message, or go see my family and friends. I like that feeling of connectivity. Trust me, I don't think anyone should be totally cut off from their loved ones. I really have to get going again. Thanks so much for reading.

Today's song is "Spit it out" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back....finally

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obviously, I want to say Happy New Year to you guys. I've been especially busy lately, and just now have time to write again. Sorry about that. I even took a day off to make sure Cory was ready to leave, and that worked out (barely.) It turns out his car got a flat tire about a week ago, and as he was walking back home, he cut through an alley and 3 guys jumped him. They pushed him around and cut his face, but he wasn't seriously hurt. I'm so glad to still have my little brother, believe me. He's safely working with his dad, uncles, and cousin now and I'm really glad he's okay. I was glad I got to see him and talk to him again before he took off. I think he's got some of the worst luck imaginable, I hope something good happens for him now. I got invited to go see Tool and can't make it, you can guess why. Damn it!! I'll have to settle for watching Jack's band play again in early February when they start touring. I damn well better be able to watch them play. Jack's been acting differently, he started making fun of some other guitarist, calling him gay. I just didn't expect that from him, I thought he knew better than to stoop to that. I just wonder why he was so pissed at that guy, and then when he sees me and when he's with his friends, his 1,000 watt smile lights up the room. I know most people have a certain duality to their characters, but that's ridiculous. I guess he's feeling happier now, at least from what I've seen. I feel like I've barely gotten to see him at all though, lately. I don't think he spent New Year's Eve alone, but that's because he was getting drunk with his friends. I try not to judge them for doing something that I don't, but I think my disapproval probably comes across even here. Okay, different subject. I got chewed out by one of the people I take care of, she said I move too slowly and don't get enough done. She also said she wants someone else to take care of her. That really hurts, because I normally think I rock at my job. I really didn't think I'd done anything wrong. Why would I though, right? I was so grateful for Mom and Mark's reactions when I told them about it. What Mark said made me realize again just how much I fucking love him. I really should be more grateful for whom and what I have. Sadly I tell myself that almost every day, and it just never sinks in. I'm kind of wondering what's going on with Craig, after the last time I saw him he hasn't said anything to me. In a way, I'm kind of glad. It's for the better, since I don't feel the same way about him. I guess that's it for right now, that's really all there is to talk about now.
Today's song is "Cemetry Drive" by My Chemical Romance

BYE!!!!!!!!!!

BUSY

HEY!!!

I want to thank you guys for reading again. ^_^ Over 7,000 page views, holy shit. I'm crazy busy as always, it seems. It's pouring rain right now, but somehow I feel happy about that. I feel almost guilty for having so much fun on Christmas, and having people who love me to spend it with. Jack told me he ended up spending it alone, and I felt horrible for him. I wondered why he wasn't with his family, and where the hell all his friends had gotten to when he needed them. I didn't ask, and he didn't tell me. I can't believe he let me in again like that, I feel kind of honored. I'm trying to think if I've been as forthcoming with him. Probably not. I keep noticing how much I keep to myself, even when I try to let other people in like I tell myself I should. I wanted to tell him I felt sorry for him, but I don't think he just wants to be pitied, I think he wants to confide in someone. I want so badly to be that someone. It's not that I don't understand loneliness either, you know? What's funny is I thought his family was basically perfect, they seem so happy from what I know of them. I wanted to tell him he can reach out to me, too. I think he finally gets that. I feel happy that he talked to me about this, and sad that it happened. Okay, I talk about him too much. I ran into Craig again yesterday and actually took a few minutes to talk to him. He also told me some things that made me feel sorry for him. I'd rather pity than be pitied, you know? Anyway, I tried being nicer to him, too. I told him we could be friends if he wanted to. I have to admit, I dug the fingerless gloves and black nail polish he was wearing yesterday. He looked something like this, only not as pretty. He told me that he's writing a novel and might actually get it published, which I admit is pretty damn cool. I admit to a certain degree of jealousy, there, though, too. Unfortunately, he's also a former gang member. How do I find these people? I laugh to think that my newest friends are a bunch of wannabe rock stars and a former gang member. There's a reason I often keep my family and friends separate. I'm not saying that they're not decent people, I'm just saying that my parents would both have heart attacks if they saw me with them. Even though I'm an adult, I still worry this much about what they think. I know my mom likes most of my friends, at least the ones she knows. But that's because most of them are kind of nerdy girls. Whatever, I guess. I'm hoping that this kind of odd collection of people will be there for a long time. I have a lot of friends who are anime/manga geeks like myself, and music geeks, but not all of them are goth. I'm one of only a few that still dresses the part. Sadly, I know that's partially why I still constantly get mistaken for a high school girl. The other part is, I just look younger than I am. I know this look probably isn't "age appropriate" anymore, but damn it, it looks good on me and I'm comfortable in it. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks again for reading.

Today's song is " Wait and bleed" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!

SO confused

HEY!!!!!!!!!

I just saw Jack again, and he totally acted like nothing happened yesterday. I have only one question for him. What the fuck? What was all that soul-bearing that he was doing yesterday, then? Why does he then retreat as if ashamed of it or something? I don't seriously know if I'll ever understand him. He sure as hell got me to feel sorry for him, though. Am I really stupid for letting him get to me yet again? I can't wait to hear their new song, I'm dying to hear it. The all too familiar strains of Jack's guitar and voice woke me up again this morning, and I had a dream about him. Obviously, I couldn't get him out of my head. I'm going to have to bite the bullet here and just be honest with him and myself. I wanted to feel like an idiot for feeling the pity and love for him that I do, but I can't quite bring myself to do that. I have to remind myself that he's been hurt, too. He does also get hurt, so I shouldn't just beat the shit out of him verbally like this. I do wish his vulnerability and honesty would come in more than just these weird little flashes, though. I wish I knew if he still thinks I'm "pretty" too, even with the dyed hair. It's actually kind of this color, I love it. I just don't know what to make of him, sometimes. Part of me thinks I should be more understanding, but another part of me wants him to try to understand me as well. I'm hoping that if we spend more time togther and get to know each other better, we'll get there, but I don't know. I also don't want him to quit asking me to shows, if that happens I'll be really sad. It's just nice knowing that I'm wanted there, you know? I really should have told him I love him months ago, it's too bad I'm such a pansy. Well, whatever happens, this is not going to be an easy relationship. I should take a minute now to thank my 2 new followers, holy shit; that's awesome. I'm glad people are reading my bitchy little rants about my guy problems, I'd say that's a good 85-90% of what I write here. I'm happy to have you reading. ^_^ I just wanted to write more about what's fairly quickly become my favorite subject, Jack. I wrote a quick Christmas message on Facebook to my family and friends, saying how special they make me feel and how happy I am just to have them. ^_~ Subtle, right? I don't know if he'll get that when I say they make me feel special, I mean him. Probably, he isn't stupid. I guess that's it for right now. I want to wish you guys a merry Christmas, or a happy Yule, if you're Wiccan. Thanks for reading.

Today's song is "A Devil for me" by the Balck Veil Brides

BYE!!!!!!!