HEY!!!!

I just got back from my first swim of the Summer and God, it was awesome. I knew there was a reason I put all that effort into learning how to swim. ^_~ How lame is it that I only just went today, though? Summer's going to be over pretty soon. I know it was partly because I got so caught up in Jack, and I'm not going to let that happen anymore. I still can't deny his awesomeness as a guitarist, but that doesn't mean that he can treat me as something disposable. I'm still going to their show on the 4th, I think. I thought about it a lot last night, and I decided that I can like his music while not necessarily liking him. What really pissed me off was how flustered I got when he walked up and stood beside me, then looking into his eyes when I talked to him. His eyes are funny, they're so brown they're almost black. I need to stop talking about him right now, but it's hard to escape him, in a way. His band's #1 right now on the local Rock charts, and the fliers for their next show are EVERYWHERE. I wanted to give a brief explanation of the title for yesterday's entry, I meant to explain it, then didn't. It's a quote from the "His and her circumstances" anime, and I found it more than fitting. It's something Yukino says about her relationship with Arima, and I get what she means perfectly. The person who loves someone is always in the power of the one they love, and always has to give at least a little of themselves for that person; who never gives anything for them. I guess there's a certain balance of power in any relationship, with one person almost inevitably has more than the other. I hate that, considering I'm usually the one who gives in. I guess that's it for today. Thanks for reading.

Today's song is "Fade to black" by Metallica- SO good!!!!!

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The one who's loved always wins........

HEY!!!!!

I finally got around to texting Jack about my ticket a few days ago, I didn't want to seem too eager. I felt weird about it though, since it's always way different talking to someone through texts than face to face. Anyway, yesterday morning, I finally went and picked it up. I accidentally woke him up with my text, and felt totally guilty about it. I didn't get invited to come hang out, as I kind of expected. I apologized copiously for waking him up, and he apologized for being late. We kind of agreed to meet at 11:00, and he didn't get there until 11:30. As soon as we chatted for a few minutes, and I had my ticket I felt summarily dismissed, and tried with all I had not to stalk off. I'd been hanging out at a coffee shop, and had been hoping maybe he'd join me in a cup of coffee, but no such luck. I don't think I'd ever felt more disposable in my life, as soon as he had my money, and had chatted a bit, he was done with me. I don't know if he really doesn't get how I feel about him, or if he's really emotionally blind or what, but that hurt, a lot. I have to admit that I totally gave myself over to the sadness when I got home, I cried AGAIN. I'm just glad I held it together in front of everyone else. It's hard not to think about things like that when you're by yourself in a dark little room, after all the lights and the tv have been shut off. It was the craziest thing, normally I can handle solitude, seek it even, but not last night. It totally makes you aware of just how lonely and isolated you've let yourself become though, when at night all you hear next to you is the wind in the trees and the cars driving by outside. I'm trying not to be petty and get angry at him, but I think I am done with him. I'm obviously never going to mean as much to him as he does to me. I don't understand him sometimes, the first time I texted him asking for a ticket, after telling him who I was, he seemed happy. After finding out it was me, he said "Sure, no problem. ^_^" I know that's a little thing, but little things mean A LOT to me. I found it funny that he remembered my last name, too. I may be in this whole thing a little too deeply now to back out completely, but that's partly on me. I don't have to play the part of adoring fan girl anymore, though, and I don't intend to. I hate myself for getting into another situation where I can get hurt again. I've started blaming myself too, for acting so stupidly happy any time he acknowledged me at all, maybe I was just setting myself up for more pain. I've resolved though to keep my shit together and not let this stop me from trying to be happy. I've started singing again, as I said I was going to. I tried to sing "Somebody to love" by Queen, "One" by Metallica, and "Numb" by Linkin Park. Of those 3, the only one I sound even remotely decent on is "Numb", but that's because it's not so hard for me to mimic his tone. You DON'T want to hear my James Hetfield impression, though, it's so bad. I wish I sounded better singing this stuff, but my voice just isn't cut out for it. I don't get why it's possible for me to ape Sully Erna's tone when I sing Godsmack songs, but I can't do a James Hetfield impression. >_> I tried singing those 3 songs over and over, my throat is actually a little sore still from that. I have some songs that kind of take the words from my mouth, they express so perfectly what I think and feel about certain things. Here's a list of them.

1. "Bother" by Stone Sour- Sums up pretty much everything I feel about myself, my parents, the world, etc.

2. "Numb" by "Linkin Park"- Anyone with an overbearing parent knows exactly what he's saying here.

3. "Pardon me" by Incubus- Just puts my feelings of alienation and disillusionment with the world and its people into words.

4. "The perfect boy" by The Cure- A girl who's been hurt, but not totally ready to give up on love.

5. "Keep away" by Godsmack- Again, puts my antisocial feelings into words.

I guess that's the list for right now, I might have to add to it later. Check out these songs though, they're all great. I've got to run again, I'll try to be back really soon. Today's song is "Numb" by Linkin Park. ^_^ Thanks for reading.

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!

The Outsider

HEY!!!!!!

This is a bit like I feel right now. I just talked to Jack again, and the first thing he said when I saw him "I was just thinking about you, and how I owe you some tickets." So does that mean that he wouldn't give a shit about me if it weren't for that? I doubt I hid my obvious delight that I was on his mind at all very well. I don't hide how I feel very well, as I said, but he's probably one of the few people I know who's as good with a vague, cagey answer as I am. I'm always so blinded by his gorgeousness and sweetness that it's all I can do to give him a cogent answer to anything he might ask, and I hate myself for that. I seriously hope I'm not pushing too hard, but I just want so much to be around him. He said it'd be cool if I texted him about the ticket, but I'm pretty sure he isn't going to ask me to hang out after the show. I'm pretty sure I've dug my own grave as far as he's concerned. I just don't want him to hate me. Then I saw this picture of them and these skank-tastic girls, and almost blew my top, again. I hated so much that he had his arm around this girl, I'm so jealous it's pathetic. I hate that I've let this happen again, I should have learned my lesson after the last time I got rejected. I don't know why I never seem to pick guys who will reciprocate my feelings, and why I keep doing this to myself. I don't understand why all these absolute freaks flock to me, but this one guy is so aloof, and probably unattainable. I know that calling these other guys "freaks" is harsh, but some of them truly are. I was harsh on Trevor, too, I know. I totally drove him off, and I don't think I'm going to see him again. I'm sorry I did that, but I refuse to settle for a guy I don't feel anything for, just to say I have a guy. I'm going to text Jack either tomorrow or Monday. God, please just don't let him hate me. I'm listening to "Faint" by Linkin Park right now, a lot of it is good for how Jack makes me feel in some ways. I think I need to do something else to distract myself, before the tears come on. I'm fucking sick of crying, believe me. The last time I got rejected, I cried for hours. I tend to cry a lot. Is a little happiness too much to ask? I think I'm going ice skating on Friday, most likely after I talk to Jack. I wish I were ever that graceful and happy looking, though. I hate how I sometimes feel like I don't belong, or I'm not wanted, even with people I love. I don't think he hates me, but I don't know if he really likes me. I'm listening to "Dig up her bones" by The Misfits, now, and I'll probably play "People=shit" by Slipknot and "Outside" by Staind at some point before I turn off the computer. There are few bands better to listen to than Staind when you're feeling mopey, believe me. I'm a little more old school in my musical tastes than Jack, which I hate, because that means that we don't always see eye to eye about it. He likes Slipknot, Metallica, and Nirvana, though, thank God. I grew up listening stuff like Metallica, Nirvana, and Alice in chains with Danny, though, so that's what I'm used to. In fact, in gym class, they'd play "Enter sandman", and Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" while I was playing volleyball, because they knew I loved those songs, and kicked ass at volleyball when they played. It was kind of hard escaping Nirvana as a little girl, I grew up a mere 7 1/2 hour drive from Seattle. I think pretty much every sad, angry, lonely kid who's come of age in the last 15 years or so has responded to them like that. Too bad Kurt died before I was old enough to really understand what the hell he was talking about. I totally get it, now. He WAS a genius, and his death was a total waste. In a way, I get why he did it, though. I have to say again, music is the best therapy I've found. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks for reading.

Today's song is "Everybody's fool" by Evanescence One of my favorites!!

BYE!!!!!!

This love....

HEY!!!!!!

I didn't get to see Jack today, unfortunately. I should have figured that he wouldn't be there this morning when I went to pick up my ticket, since he said he'd be working the late shift at work yesterday. In a way, I was almost glad he wasn't there, my heart was in my throat until I walked in and saw Danielle, his boss, there. I was kind of disappointed at the same time, though, since I'd worked hard to look as pretty as I possibly can. I guess I'll just have to keep trying to find him. I wonder if Danielle knew I came there looking for Jack. I had Mom and Mark over for dinner yesterday, and Mom noticed that I'd flat-ironed my hair, which is quite a feat since it's about 2 1/2 feet long at this point. She even asked if I were going on a date, which I thought was ridiculous, since the one guy I want to date in this whole stupid city hasn't asked me out, and I haven't had the guts to ask him yet. About my hair, I'm thinking of getting it cut, so it would look something like the girl's in the picture up there. She kind of dresses like me too, come to think of it. I might dye it black again, though. ^_^I want to think that my family (meaning Mom and Mark at this point) doesn't know something's up with Jack and I, but they probably do. I have an overwhelming urge to keep them from him, I kind of feel like I should protect him from them. I'm sorry they know he even exists right now, I'm terrified enough of driving him off on my own, I DON'T need them to do it for me. When you're the daughter of a crazy, over-protective family like I am, you learn pretty quickly that mum is the word when it comes to any guy you like at all, believe me. I'm still dying to go see Jack's band play, I'll have to rescind that comment I made yesterday about only skanks getting invited to hang with him though, if he asks me, since I'm not one. ^_~ God, I hope he asks me, and I don't have to kind of lead him up to it. I'm trying not to think about the pounding my heart will be doing when I get to see him again. It's so lame that I wasn't this scared of going to Japan, or singing in front of other people, yet this TERRIFIES me. I saw a little video they uploaded to their facebook page, it looks like they had a really good time at Warped Tour. I've got 5 of the 7 songs on their EP on my i POD now, this scream Jack gives at the beginning of the 7th is amazing, quite frankly. I'm wondering what my parents would think if they knew THIS was the guy "their little girl's" heart officially belongs to. Yeah, it's not pretty. Even Mark was saying something about protecting me from him, then I had to tell him something like "Whatever, I started talking to him." See what I mean when I call my family "crazy and over-protective"? Beyond that, though, they're pretty great. I don't think I'm going to be doing anything this Summer beyond going to check out Jack's mad guitar skills live, hopefully do some swimming, and maybe start singing again. It kind of sucks that so much of what I like to listen to and sing is so totally out of my natural range, though. I'm a mezzo-soprano naturally, and since most of what I like is sung by guys, that means working with at least a tenor range, which I've tried to reach, and can't. I do a decent Amy Lee impression, and I can sort of imitate Lacey Mosley from Flyleaf, but there are far too few female Metal singers. Another thing that kind of sucks ass about being a female Metal fan, is that the guys expect a lot of you, appearance wise. It takes me at least 2 hours every morning to get ready. I hate that I have to put myself throught so much shit every day just to feel like I'm pretty enough for Jack. >_> I guess that's it for today. I'll write about whatever might happen with Jack as soon as it might happen. If there's any justice in the world, it'll go well. Thanks for reading.

Today's song is "Fully alive" by Flyleaf. Kind of have to rep a female Metal singer after what I just said. ^_~ Plus, her voice rules.

BYE!!!

The agony and the ecstasy

HEY!!!!!

Sorry I've let this slip for a few days, again. Totally unintentional, I promise. I've been going over a lot of things in my head, trying to make it all make sense. I saw another girl left a post on Jack's band's facebook page, saying she was really glad she got to hang out with them, loves their cd, and can't wait to see them live. I totally got jealous again, and hate myself for it. I have no real claim on Jack, and I know it, but I'll be damned if I'm going to just give up on him without a fight. It's not like they were just hanging out together alone, and I know that, too, but it still pisses me off to no end. I've got to get a handle on that before I dare go face him, and I'm REALLY trying. I know their drummer, Charlie, is married, but as far as I know, the rest of the guys are available. I don't care what Heath and Mike, their singer do, but I want to be with Jack so much it almost physically hurts. I also kind of dread going to see him tomorrow, I don't feel well again today, so I'm staying home. I want him to ask me to hang out after the show, and it'll be really hard to stifle my hurt and anger if he doesn't, you know? It'll feel like a real rejection, like I'm not worthy of spending more time with him. I'd kind of like to meet his friends properly, too. I think it's funny that Jack and I obviously know each other, though we weren't properly introduced. If he doesn't ask me to hang out with him, it'll be pretty hard to keep from going to pieces right then and there, though I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing me like that. I probably shouldn't dwell on that right now, I need to try a little positive visualization. I wonder how the whole Warped Tour experience was for him, I hope he had fun, and that their shows went well. I'll ask him all about it, of course, when I see him again. Mark heard me playing some of their stuff over the weekend, and said "Your husband's doing that? That's awesome." I've told him repeatedly not to talk like that, he thinks it's funny to embarrass me, though I know he'd never do it in front of other people. I kind of regret telling either Mark or Mom anything about him, though they both heard me playing his music and Mark saw us wave to each other, so I had to tell them SOMETHING. I hate that the girl who left them that message had to remind them of who she even fucking was, yet she got invited to hang out with them. I can guess WHY they asked her, but I really hoped Jack wasn't so superficial as to ask only the skanks in the crowd to hang with him. He fucking actually knows me, too, Goddamnit. Okay, obviously I haven't gotten a handle on my jealousy and anger yet. I'm working on it. Yeah, I'd be the jealous, bitchy girlfriend from hell if he were my boyfriend. I'd be worrying about him, too. It was storming pretty badly last night, and I kind of thought "I hope they're being careful if they're driving home right now." I tend to worry too much about everyone, though, as I've said before. My middle brother, Cory, tells me that all the time. It's just that I only have so many people I really care about, and I don't want anything to happen to any of them. I almost feel stupid for letting myself fall for Jack, I'm so afraid of being hurt and rejected again. I wonder if he knows just how much the sweet, cute little things he does sometimes endear him to me, and how glad I am to know him at all. I probably should have told him how much little things mean to me, like our waving routine. I'm really excited to go their show, don't get me wrong, but it's about 5% percent about the music in this case, and 95% about getting closer to Jack. It's not that I don't like the music, I love it, but I wouldn't have listened to it if I hadn't wanted to make him happy. I'm cranking "People=Shit" right now, fortunately it's still got all its cathartic power. After a few more run throughs, I should start to feel better. God, I'd be so screwed without music. I think Jack understands that, too, at least if anything he's told me is true. We were both the kind of kids who'd probably be dead if we hadn't discovered music, and made friends who love it as much as we do. I've switched to Marilyn Manson's "The Beautiful People" now, same effect. Another thing that's been bugging me is that I'm pretty sure Jack doesn't share my Straight Edge beliefs. Actually, none of my friends do, and it sucks ass being the only Straight Edge person in my group. I'm not going to tell them they have to change to make me happy, but it still sucks. None of them are vegetarians either, btw. >_> I couldn't believe my dad had the nerve to make fun of me for that, after the kind of father he's been. I guess that's it for today. I need to go do something. Maybe go for a walk, get the endorphins flowing, and cheer myself up a little. Thanks for reading, I should be here again tomorrow, to tell you what happend with Jack, if I see him.

Today's song is "Bother" by Stone Sour. It's not as loud as "People=Shit" or "The Beautiful People", but it's even better in the sentiment it conveys. It's still my favorite song.

BYE!!!!!!!!

I don't know Jack

HEY!!!

Sorry it's taken me a few days to write again, but I needed to come here and vent, so I made it a point to make time for this today. I'm just a little puzzled about some of the shit that's been going on with Jack. I know he's better at holding things in than I'll ever be, but I'm seriously wondering what the hell is going on with us, if anything. I was just talking to him, congratulating him on his band getting to play Warped Tour this weekend, and about that he was obviously really happy, but I'm not so sure he was happy to see me again so soon. I'm afraid I'm bugging the shit out of him, I've gone to see him twice already this week and I'm afraid that's a little too much. But I'm so confused because he obviously doesn't hate me, and is always nice and sweet, but I don't know how much of it is genuine. It turns out that guy half hanging himself out the window, waving like an utter dork, was his bassist friend, Heath, and Jack totally put him up to it. I was kind of torn between being charmed by the humor, sweetness, and spontaneity of it, and thinking "Oh, my God, you guys are stupid. Please just keep your ass in the car, you've got my attention." I seriously thought Heath might fall out at one point. So, he isn't afraid to admit he knows me, he doesn't seem to hate talking to me, so then what in hell is going on with us? Just because he doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve doesn't mean I don't, you know? I always think it's pretty easy to tell how I feel. I try to hide how I feel, but I always thought I sucked at it. Mark figured out how I feel about Jack in 5 seconds, remember? Monday, on my way to work, I saw him and Heath walking out of the bank, it was kind of funny to be the one waving at him from the car for once. I think this smiling and waving thing is going to become a thing with us. ^_^ Yay, we have a thing!! I told him I'd come by either next Monday or Tuesday to pick up my ticket for their show on the 4th, I can't wait to go. I think he was happy to know someone's going to this show, but again I'm not so sure he was happy I'm going. Well, okay, if they're playing Warped Tour plenty of people go to see them, but I'm pretty sure they don't know most of them. I thought it might be cool to have at least one person he actually knows go there to support him, plus I simply love watching him play. I saw him on Tuseday after work, and it seemed like maybe he wanted to talk more then, but I had to book it because I promised mom I'd be at her place at 5:00 for dinner, and I couldn't have if I didn't leave pretty quickly. The idea that I actually ran out on him, right? Fucking stupid idea if I ever had one. I've got to admit I kind of like being part of his band's core fan base, I've never really done that before, except with Chris' band. I like the idea of helping him achieve his dream, even though in a very small way. It's pretty damn awesome though, to know the person you're listening to, and to know that they know you, too. It makes the music a little more personal, and a lot more fun. I kind of wonder if he could love a girl as much as much as he obviously loves his music, he's almost obsessive about it. I think he said something like he loves to play guitar and write music all day. I get that this is what he wants to do with his life, and he's passionate about it, but it's sometimes all he wants to talk about. I love my writing, but the people in my life never play second fiddle to some story, or this blog for that matter. Think about how hard I try to make him happy, and we're kind of still feeling each other out. I think there's a lot of shit that goes unspoken between us anymore, we both just trust that the the other knows and understands. How weird is it that we went to the same high school, but never met, only to meet a few years later at a store that sells goth stuff? It all seems kind of random and coincidental, but I don't know if it is. If I really believed in fate, I'd like to believe we were fated to be in each other's lives, and I really hope he's happy he met me, becasue I'm God damn ecstatic that I met him. I hope the days pass swiftly between now and the 4th. Oh, I'm pretty sure the will. I'm wondering if I'll get another invitation to hang out after the show, and that I'll be able to hide the bitter disappointment I'll feel if I don't. Not likely, but I'll try. >_> I just want to be as special to him as he is to me. I didn't tell him how happy it made me the first time he waved at me, I was in a totally shitty mood that day, and he snapped me out of it. I don't know if I'd sound weird telling him that, so I haven't told him. I like to think that I can cheer him up by coming in to hang out with him at work for a little while, because I know he'd rather be playing than working. I guess that's it for today. I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully. Thanks for reading.

Today's song is "Pardon me" by Incubus

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He asked me, yay!!!!

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm really sorry it's taken me so long to get back here, but my dad stayed for 2 weeks and I've been crazy busy ever since. This isn't me bitching about being busy, just stating a fact. I'm going to miss another of Jack's shows, because I have to get up crazy early for work the day after, and would really rather not go to work feeling like shit because I didn't sleep enough. The funny thing is, it seemed like he wanted me to come, he said "You should definitely come out, if you're around, and can make it." I was pretty seriously tempted to ditch work based solely on the fact that it was the first time he'd even tried to invite me to come to a show. I know it would be totally irresponsible to do that, though, so I didn't. A few days after, he invited me to come to the one after that, and I have to work the day after that show, too, but not nearly as early, so I'm going if I have to walk. It was crazy trying to keep him and my dad separated, it got pretty dicey one Saturday afternoon; dad and I were eating, and Jack comes up to the same counter to get a drink before work, so I pretended I didn't see him. I guess he gathered that he shouldn't say anything to me while my dad was there, because he played ignorant, too. I laughed out loud though, because less than a week after that, I'm going for a walk with Mark, and Jack drives by, and smiles and waves at me again. I grin stupidly, wave, and giggle. Mark looks at me, goes "Who was that?" I tell him that he's a guy I know from my favorite store, and Mark goes "Oh, THAT guy. He likes you, and you like him." Mark's actually started referring to Jack as my boyfriend, to which I kind of demurely try to deny the rush of feelings I feel just thinking about him. I'd really rather he not jinx it, you know? It almost seemed like he wanted me there, but I don't want to read too much into it and make a fool of myself again. I'd just like some conformation that Jack feels the same about me, that's all. I swear, my heart was beating like a drum when I was kind of stuck between Jack and dad, and I hated it. I also noticed something kind of funny about Jack, he wore that shirt I told him I really liked again, when I'd never seen him wear it to work before. Does that mean he cares what I think? Does he actually want to impress me? I can't deny that I've done the same, wearing this Metallica shirt he told me he loved at least once a week. It was so cute, the day before my dad left, I went into Jack's work to buy some more make-up and clothes, I bought some black eyeliner, and Jack and I were talking, he was telling me all about the show, saying I should go, and he put everything in the little black bag but the eyeliner. Of course, I had to go back the next morning, and there was Jack, telling me he was sorry for "stealing my eyeliner." I laughed my ass off, because I thought for sure I'd lost it. He said he'd kind of been playing with it, I guess the whole time we were talking, and just kept doing it. I didn't notice until I got home, and I thought it was my fault that it was gone. That's an interesting effect to have on each other, right? I guess that's it for right now I have to get going.

Today's song is "Vermillion" by Slipknot AWESOME!!!!!!!!!

I'll come back more regularly now, I promise. Thanks for reading!!

BYE!!!!!!!