Insecurity

HEY!!!!

Here I am again. I'm really glad you guys are still reading. Thanks. ^_^ I got a call from Cassie yesterday, she was asking what to get our mom and brothers for Christmas. How awesome is it that she wants my opinion? I love this new found friendliness between us! I love that we can be friends, even though I don't expect us to be "besties" as she'd call it. I'm fine with that, as long as we remain friends. I asked Cory if his roommate took anything but his money, and he said no. This asshole did take the money my little brother had set aside for food and rent though, and that pisses me off. God, I hate that there's nothing I can do about this. I need to write about something else now. I'm listening to music, though not Jack's band today. I'm kind of (as always) worrying about Jack and this weird situation we find ourselves in. I dyed my hair last night; it was supposed to be red, but since my hair is naturally dark brown it came out kind of a weird dark auburn color. I can't deny that I did this partially to get Jack's attention. I still hate that I look just like all these other girls he hangs out with. I sometimes wonder if he dreams of having a harem or something. In some ways, believe me, it seems like he already does. Of the five guys in his band, he definitely gets the most female attention. Since their drummer is married, and actually a decent guy, though, I should probably not count him. I'm almost surprised he stayed with just one girl at all. I don't think that would bode well for anything that might be between us. I really hate never knowing where I stand with him. I know Mark thinks there's something going on between us, but I hate that he's warm, funny, and even sweet one day, then acts like nothing happened the next. I thought at first maybe he was ashamed of me, but then would he have introduced me to his bandmates if he were? I feel like a school girl again almost. I hate this feeling, like we're playing romantic hide and go seek or something. I was almost never happy as a school girl, and certainly nothing ever went right for me in the guy department. I know I said I like him and his friends because they're not quite as serious as my other friends, but I don't know about this. Maybe he really is too immature and young. Yeah, here comes that horrible, suffocating rush of insecurity again. I think I need to do something else. I'd actually really like to talk to him. I guess that's it for today. Thanks so much for reading.

Today's song is "People=shit" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back once again

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jack's written some new stuff and they're recording more songs in about a month. I read the lyrics and could almost hear the music in my head. It's so cool!!!!!!! I tried really hard not to spaz out in front of him again, though I think I did. He didn't really treat me any differently after my little revelation that I was a fat kid, too; though we didn't exactly talk about it. I have to admit to being a bit disappointed with the brevity of our last talk, and I sulked alone for a while after I got back home. I realize he's a really busy guy, and I'm a fairly busy girl, but I want there to be more time for us to be together on our own. I guess this is really the least of my problems; Mom's sick and Cory's roommate ripped him off in the middle of the night and left town. I went to go check on Mom, and she's going to be okay, but I can't really help Cory at all. I feel like Nurse Angie or something, always trying to help people. I feel terrible for Cory; I can offer him sympathy, but that's about it. As I was looking through all the shit I have a few days ago, I came upon some pictures I took the day I went to go see where Cassie works, and to watch Jack and Mike play. It's funny, I have one of Cassie and Mom with their arms around me, and one of Jack and Mike with their arms around me. I look happier with Jack and Mike, and I'm ashamed of myself for that in a way. I put both pictures in frames however, and look at them often. I guess that's it for right now. I need to get my ass to work. Thanks so much for reading. ^_^ I think I'll go hang out with my best friend after work. I need that.

Today's song is "People are people" by Depeche Mode

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!

Sharing

HEY!!!!!

I have to say, you guys are amazing. Thanks for reading. ^_^ I just posted on Facebook that Thanksgiving didn't ruin my diet, that I've officially lost 75 pounds now. The thing is, I'm a little nervous about how Jack and Mike will perceive that. Otherwise, Thanksgiving came and went fairly quietly. It was nice at least getting to talk to my entire family. A little after dinner, I got a text from a number I thought I recognized as Mike's, and got kind of happy. I double checked the number, though, and the last 2 digits were different. I nicely told this other guy that he'd texted the wrong person. It kind of sucked, though, finding out it was some stranger and not my friend. It's funny, Jack and Danny's numbers only differ by the last 2 digits, too. I did an insane amount of cleaning and sorting after I went home, it helps me calm down and think. It helps me not only sort out all the shit I have, but my emotions. I was thinking (yet again) about this whole Jack situation. I think by any standard, ours is a pretty damn weird situation; I tell him I like him, he (gently) rejects me, then he and his girlfriend break up, but we're still friends and he invites me to 2 shows in a row. I really don't know for certain what to even call this. I also kind of hate that his band's shows are basically the only things I am invited to anymore, because I'm Straight Edge. You might not think a show would necessarily be the best place to showcase that, but I'm never the only Straight Edge person there. I'm just chilling here alone now, drinking some coffee. I'd really rather be with some friends today, but I can't complain or demand too much of them. I'm really happy I'm so much thinner now, and kind of pissed that I ever let it get so bad in the first place. I was definitely what's called and emotional eater, I'd get upset and just start eating whether I was hungry or not. I'm almost regreting sharing this with my friends, though. I don't want Jack to know how fat I was. I know it might not seem like such a big deal, but it is for me, I'm ashamed of what I let happen to myself. It also sucks that a fat girl is treated quite a bit worse than a fat guy. But, I figured if Jack and my friend Dana both had the guts to talk about their former weight problems, I could too. It's called sharing, right? It's supposed to bring us closer as friends and all that? I hope so. I hope it doesn't make him see me any differently, though. I know he's got a lot of really pretty girls who hang on his every word, and doesn't necessarily need my attention. I really hope he isn't that shallow. I'm deeply afraid he might be, though; for example he was offering $10 to the first girl to come and give him a back rub. It made me laugh my ass off when Mike said "Okay, I'll do it." God, he's funny. He has the same kind of light, happy energy that Mark does most of the time and I like that a lot. I guess that's more or less it for right now. Thanks again for reading and letting me vent about the utter crazy mess my life has devolved into.

Today's song is "Say you'll haunt me" by Stone Sour

BYE!!!!!!!!!

Killing loneliness

HEY!!!!

Thanks, guys, for reading. I can't believe the page count's over 5,000 now. It's good, believe me. I'm sitting here now, feeling almost a little bored and sad. It's stupid, I know. Everyone's getting ready for Thanksgiving, and so, of course they're all pretty busy. It'll be back to normal soon enough. I'm still thinking about my little talk with Jack yesterday, and I don't know if it's just my imagination or not that it means a little something that we both just happened to show up in our glasses yesterday. I think it's funny that he's the one who didn't feel self-conscious about them, at least until I said something. I'm really wondering why he just quit wearing them, and then suddenly started again. I'm trying not to read too much into anything where he's concerned, but I hate not knowing if it means anything. I guess I should just be glad that I have a glasses buddy. I really wish things were a little clearer between us, but that would require asking direct questions, which I totally lack the guts to do most of the time. I'm probably grasping at straws here, but I might not be, and I hate that so much. I need to calm down, this isn't getting me anywhere. I should just ask him. Yesterday would've been a damn good time, too. He was in a really great mood, and almost seemed happy to see me. Yeah, here comes the part where I want to bang my head on my desk again. Why do I have to be such a fucking wuss? Because I really like this guy, that's why >_> If he didn't matter, it wouldn't matter if he liked me or not. It would also help if I really felt I were worthy of him, right? I hate that I almost always spaz out around him. It'd just be a hell of a lot easier if I didn't look like Usagi-chan every time I see him, you know? I know it's almost impossible that he'd feel the same way about me, but there are these little things that keep happening and these little signals that I get which make me wonder if it could happen. I think that's about it for today, guys. Thanks again for reading and enjoy Thanksgivng.

Today's song is "Basketcase" by Green Day

BYE!!!!

Glasses buddies.....

HEY!!!!!!!

I'm back, at least quickly. I did see Jack just a few minutes ago. It was so funny, there he was with his glasses, and there I was with mine. It's just weird because neither of us has worn our glasses (publicly) in months. I'm undeniably happy to have seen him again. That's also a fairly damn good anime approximation of Jack, too. He has the same basic hair cut. Though, Jack has 3 tattoos, a nose ring, a lip ring, and both ears pierced. The mood today was so nice and relaxed, I couldn't ask him any serious questions for fear of ruining it. I did ask him about something he told me about a month ago, that they'd soon be selling his band's merchandise where he works. He kind of smiled and said it should have happened this weekend, but it didn't. I love it when he smiles at me, though it makes it so much more difficult to think clearly when he does. Am I a terrible person for going to see him like this right after he and his girlfriend break up? It's not really like I was flirting, per se, just a friend going to alleviate the boredom of another friend for a few minutes. I'm getting unbelievably tired now, damn it. I felt almost special, that he told me that. Apparently, their fanbase at large doesn't know about it. ^_^ I guess that's about it for today. Thanks again for reading.

Today's song is "Prelude 12/21" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back yet again

HEY!!!!

I'm just here to kill some time right now. I didn't sleep more than 4 hours last night, and I'm yawning my way though even this. Yet, I still don't feel horrible. I actually feel pretty happy. I just started reading "Nana", by Ai Yazawa, and it's pretty good. I think it's pretty awesome that the main characters are best friends who happen to have the same name, just like my best friend and I. I don't really know why I couldn't sleep last night, I know the rain pounding on my windows at 1:30 sure as hell didn't help. I'm hoping today won't be too hard for me. I'm rocking the glasses and pigtails again, in a way I like the look. I'm sitting here, writing, drinking coffee, and really wishing this were my job. I envy Jack and Mike so much for getting paid to do what they love, even if they still have to do other things on the side. They're really good, though and I don't think I write as well as they play and sing. Speaking of Jack, though, I found out something very interesting yesterday. He and his girlfriend broke up. I don't know when or why, and I'm not asking, but I do know they're not together anymore.
Is it terrible that I'm a bit happy about this? I'm not moving in on him or anything, believe me. It's good to know that he is available, though. I also just another unofficial invitation to come watch them play on December 3rd. Yay!! I'd love to, believe me. I can't believe that's my 7th consecutive invitation. ^_^ I'm happy just to be friends with Mike and Casey, but I really do want to be with Jack. God, I hope I haven't made an even bigger mess for myself with him. I need to have a little tete a tete with him, I think. I also need to shut the computer off soon and drag my ass to work. If I see Jack later today, though, I'll come back and write about it later. Thanks again for reading. I'll be back as soon as possible.

Today's song is "Wait and bleed" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!

Happy!!!

HEY!!!!!!

I'm wearing pigtails today, my usual ponytail got to be a bit boring. I look something like Maki from Evangelion here today. I'm being a good girl and wearing my glasses a little more often, and guess who else is. Jack!!! ^_^ He looks awesome with glasses. I'm really trying not to think about what that might mean, that he starts wearing his glasses again when I do. I'm already starting to hate how cold and snowy it's gotten here lately, but other than that I'm fairly God damn happy. I'm still so happy I was able to help Nate at all. His mom and a lot of his other friends have been to check up on him too, and he seems to be okay. I'm glad to say it went well with Cassie on Friday, and that she hugged me again when she left. I did feel a slight hint of condescension a few times when we talked, but that might have been my imagination. I had a really weird dream that night, that Cassie and I got into a gigantic fight that was 100 times worse than any we've ever had in reality. She always used to make me feel insecure because she's always been a little thinner and prettier than I am. Then, I started trying to remind myself that I have my own charms and virtues, and people who like me for me. I'm also proud to admit that I've lost 2 more pounds. ^_^ Inevtiably, my thoughts drifted to Jack and Mike, I thought" These guys are MY friends, they don't know her and don't give a shit about her. They like ME." Somehow, that made me feel better. Nevermind that she wouldn't want their friendship, whereas it makes me stupidly happy. The reason I think she's condescending is that she's got a nicer place, car, and job than I do and she's my little sister. On the other hand, she's a French major who can't spell the name of or locate the city of Cannes without help. Yeah, our relationship is pretty complicated still. But, we're making it work. My relationship with Mom isn't much better, I'm afriad. I think in a way, we're too much alike to get along without problems. I know we love each other, but we've both got stubburn streaks a mile wide and are always loathe to admit the other is right. I know no family is perfect, and that mine could be a hell of a lot worse. I'm hoping I get to see Jack again soon, I'm starting to miss him. I've got to admit with a certain amount of pride that he's asked me to their last 5 or 6 shows in a row. ^_^ To think, our friendship was really begun when we firgured out we're both "Pirates" fans. Just another reason to love Captain Jack Sparrow. He brought us together. On a different subject, I've added some new content to the page and would love a little feedback on it. I think I look good with the pigtails, though it might seem a bit weird on a 26 year old. I look about 10 years younger though, so I pull it off okay. I'm listening to Dir eng Grey's "Marrow of a bone" right now, and it's awesome. I guess that's about it for today. Thanks so much (again) for reading. I'll do my best to keep this updated and interesting for you guys.

Today's song is "Akastuki" by Dir en Grey. LOVE it!!!!

BYE!!!!!!

I'm back again

HEY!!!

I'm on break from doing my nurse/maid thing again, and getting a little tired already. Cassie's going to be here in a little while, I have to let her in then get going again. It seems Jack and his bandmates had another really good show this weekend, that (of course) I couldn't make it to, because I was too busy. Well, whatever. Nate's okay, I was just checking in with him a bit ago. I'm so glad he's okay, and I still love that I might have actually helped him. I'm looking forward to hanging out with Cassie again, I hope her drive down here was okay, because it was snowing when she left. I want to hang out with my sister. ^_^ I think I hear her car now. I guess that's my cue to get my ass out of this seat and let her in. I'll be back as soon as I can. Thanks so much for reading.

Today's song is "Gehenna" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best.Day.Ever

HEY!!!!!

I'm feeling a lot better today, and not just physically. It turns out what I said to Nate yesterday really seemed to help, and he's feeling a lot better now himself. I think I might have actually helped save a human life, and I can't begin to tell you how happy that makes me. He's human, he needs to know people care about him, just as every other person does. I can kind of relate to his feelings, I was at least vaguely suicidal in high school. He's actually got a more

serious problem than just being a misfit, though. I went to work today, and it went great actually. I really like that they let me goth it up at work, I'm grateful. Though, I've switched to black skinny jeans, a black long sleeved shirt, and a hoodie. I like my black skinny jeans. I also got to have a few precious minutes with Jack. ^_^ I came in to where he works to pick up something for Mark, and he goes "Hey, Anglea. How's it going?" I'm still grinning like an idiot, because he greeted me like a friend. He was telling me again how his job isn't exactly perfect, but it allows him to do what he really loves, playing guitar. I'm stupid maybe to be happy over little shit like that, but I can't help it. He was really busy, so I didn't hang out very long, so as not to bother him. I should also acknowledge that this is my 100th post. Damn. It's funny to think that all I write about is the day to day shit of my life. I can't believe how happy I am right now, it feels almost weird to be this happy. I do kind of wish I could have talked more to Jack, but I think it would've been stupid to hang out any more than is necessary. I also wanted to say that Danny just got promoted at work, I'm really glad for him. I guess that's it for right now. I just wanted to write this to express my happiness at what's happened. Thanks for reading yet again.

Today's song is "People are people" by Depeche Mode

BYE!!!!!!!!

Sick again...

HEY!!!

First, I want to thank you guys for reading so much. I'm really grateful. I want to say also that I am sick again, but that's really the least of my problems right now. My friend Nate, who's always had some problems, almost killed himself over the weekend. I couldn't believe it; I knew he'd been unhappy, but I didn't know it had gotten to that point. I'm so glad he's okay, he's one of the few genuinely nice guys I know. He's also the only guy I know to admit his love of Depeche Mode music unabashedly. I told him of course that I'm here for him, that I love him, and that I don't want him to give up. He's going to be okay, I hope. I really don't know what else to say, other then that it's terrifying to think how easily I could have lost a friend. He used to get made fun of even more than I did in school, though he has to be one of the nicest people in the world. Okay, I'm trying not to cry now. I should switch to a happier subject, I think. I watched Jack's band's music video, and it was so awesome. I'm glad I didn't see myself in it, though Jack kind of told me I might show up there. I'm a bit alarmed at how much I resemble the girls I did see in the video. It serisouly would have been hard to tell me apart from any one of them. Maybe the band just has a collective type, you know? I'm also a little bit confused about something; that show he asked me to in December is supposed to be kind of an intimate little show, with at most 50 or 60 people invited, and he asked me. What the hell does that mean, if anything? I kind of want to know whom else he invited now. It's just weird, he asks me that, and then shows off these pictures of him and his girlfriend smiling and laughing together on Facebook. This guy will probably always confuse the ever loving shit out of me. I'm still listening to music, theirs, mostly. This whole relationship is going to be just one giant juggling act, and I hope I don't totally ruin it. I keep telling myself that we can just be friends, that it's no problem, but I hope I'm not lying to myself. I think life in itself is mostly a juggling act, too bad I suck at juggling. What I love about being friends with guys like Chris, Nate, and Mike is that none of these "other" feelings creep up to ruin it and I'm never nervous or weird around them like I get with Jack sometimes. I'd love to know what goes on in his head when we're talking, just to see if he thinks I come off as weird sometimes. I don't want him to think I'm weird, beleive me. I've had a busy morning, even without going to work. I texted Cassie, Danny, and Cory all before 7:00. I was glad though, I hadn't talked to them in a few days. Cassies's coming over again on Friday for a bit, she says she's almost out of anime, and wants to borrow some of mine.I'm actually excited, and I'm glad I'm excited. I'm glad that she and I can still bond over stuff like anime, though we have almost totally different tastes in everything else. I'm being good and wearing my glasses this morning, and I have to admit they they do help. I still think it's pretty awesome that Jack doesn't think glasses are nerdy, though for some reason he quit wearing his. I wish he'd let me in like that a little more often.I love it when guys aren't afriad to be open with me. I love too, that Mark told me yesterday a story he read made him cry. I'm thinking of leaving Nate a message, I want to make sure he's okay. I don't want to lose anyone, I'm almost certain I'm not strong enough to take that. I guess that's about it for today. Thanks again for reading.

Today's song is "Vermillion" by Slipknot, if only because it's what I'm listening to right now.

BYE!!!!!!!

Tired.....

HEY!!!!

I'm feeling really tired today, and I don't think it's because I spent the last 5 hours on my feet. I hope I didn't piss Jack off by declining to go to his next show, but I can't afford it. It's a really long drive there and back, too. I'm just not up for it. I hope it won't effect our friendship, you know? It seems like everyone's as busy as I am. I just don't want to be left out, I want all of these people in my life. I'd really like to know what they all think of me, and I hope it isn't anything bad. I shouldn't start moping, though, because I did that; thinking everyone was kind of ignoring me, then 3 people all wanted to talk at once. I should be happy to have them all, and I am. I'm particularly glad about how things are going with Cassie, I'm so glad she actually hugged me and said she loved me. Is it lame that I want to get along with my sister that badly? She and I are still kind of opposites in some ways but as long as we can respect each others' differences, I think we'll be fine. I wish I could make that much progress in my relationship with Jack, but it's so much harder with him. After all, it took Cassie and I years to work out our problems. I don't really understand why Danny, Mark and I get along so well without even trying. I guess I should be happy that it's all working out in that respect, and shut the hell up and quit questioning everything. I want very much to believe that all my relationships are going to be fine, and that I don't need to keep screwing with things, but relationships can easily go to hell if they're not kept up. That might be true, but it's the sheer volume of relationships that I need to keep up that bothers me. I think I might be what's called a Highly Sensitive Person, someone who easily gets overwhelmed by lots of people, loud noises, and complex social situations. Or, maybe it's just that I've complicated the shit out of my life, despite the fact that I claim to love simplicity, and now I'm struggling a bit to deal with it all. I know fully that I brought most of this on myself, especially when it comes to Jack and his friends. It's amazing I could keep my ass at their shows since normally all the noise and people there would make me nervous. Instead, I sing, dance and cheer. I like that, though. Believe me, with my job, I need the stress relief that gives me. They're my stress relief, and I love them for that. I also love that they're willing to befriend me. I love that I can dress more or less however I want at work, at least. For instance, I look something like the girl to the left today, but with a Metallica shirt. I kind of hope things will get easier for me, even though I really have nothing to bitch about. I have to work harder at being more social and open. I think I've even been standoff-ish with Jack, lately. Obviously, that's not going to help make us better friends. I just tend to push people away because I get overwhelmed sometimes by simple conversations, especially if I have to talk about something that I don't want to talk about. Mark was telling me I'm fragile yesterday; he meant physically, but I think I'm more fragile emotionally. I think another reason Cassie and I had problems for years is that I take everything seriously, and she didn't take anything seriously and I wanted her to get serious. Now that she's gotten serious and is taking care of herself, and doing great at it, we're good. She's even getting straight "A"s in school. I think that's really it for today.

Today's song is "Vanitas" by Dir en Grey

BYE!!!!!!!

Happy birthday, Danny!!!

HEY!!!!!

Today is my older brother, Danny's, 31st birthday. I texted him and sent him a message on Facebook, but I'm pretty sure he's just sleeping right now. He works nights, so his hours are totally different from mine. I hope he's not bothered by me. I for one was happy that people remembered my birthday, though not necessarily happy to be getting older. I hate how fast time goes by. It doesn't seem like that long ago that I was a kid, myself. I kind of hate that a lot of my female friends have at least one kid already, and I've barely even had a real boyfriend. Though, with 7 billion people in the world, do I really need to add to that? Not that I don't want a boyfriend, because I do. To that point, my "boyfriend", Jack asked me to go to one of his band's shows on the 4th of December. I'm glad that he hasn't stopped asking me, but I can't make it. I apologized, and told him I can't go. I wonder if he was disappointed one of his "girlfriends" can't watch him show off his mad guitar skills. Mark's supposed to coming over sometime today, I love that kid. I love having a little brother, and I love being a big sister. I think part of my problem is that I try too hard to be everything to everyone. I'm my parents' daughter, my siblings' sister, my grandma's granddaughter, my aunt and uncles' niece, my cousins' cousin, and my friends' friend and it tends to get a little overwhelming when you consider just how many people I'm trying to keep happy here. I of course also try to be the sweet, funny, kind, beautiful goth/rocker girl that Jack seems to want me to be. I try to be all of these things at once, and it's crazy. I was singing one of their songs yesterday as I was cooking dinner, and I do a pretty terrible imitation of Mike. I did have my little chat with Mom yesterday, I think we worked everything out. I hope we did, anyway. Speaking of families, though. I think it's kind of adorable that Jack, Mike, and I all get little "I love you" messages from our moms on Facebook, and that yesterday Jack was trying to teach his grandma how to do something on there. I kind of like getting to see that side of them. I can't wait to see their music video. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks so much for reading, guys. Please keep it up.^_^

Today's song is "Too late for gods' by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!