Worrying again

Back again

HEY!!!
I'm writing from Kyle's again. This 3 day weekend was so necessary. for both of us. I'm glad I had more time to spend with him this week. He went to get us something to eat, and now it's just me, Oliver, and his cat, Jade. I got to visit Cory yesterday, and it was so good to hug him. He should be home again in time for my birthday party, and that makes me both sad and happy. It makes me happy because I want him to be there and sad because my birthday isn't for 3 more months. I miss my little brother, you know? I'm glad at least everything seems like it's going to be all right for him when he gets home from rehab. He said he isn't going to drink anymore and I want so badly to believe him. I hope it's true. I want him to get married and finally have a peaceful life again. I'm going to gush a bit about Kyle now, I really did find a good man-or rather, he found me. I was upset about missing Cory and it didn't take him long to pick up on that, he immediately  started  trying to make me feel better. He started rubbing my shoulders and trying to make me laugh. I did feel better after a while, luckily. He was also telling me how incredible he thinks I am, and I'm still not really used to this kind of treatment. He was saying it's great that I'm brave enough to be true self, and that I have a lot of influence on my cousins Sandra and Julia, getting them to love Metallica and Slipknot respectively. I'm not really used to being fawned over by a guy as handsome as Kyle, it's weird for me. I don't know why it is, but it is.I think that's it for now.
Today's song is " Dozing Green" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!!!

Happy New Year!!!

HEY!!!!
I'm writing from Kyle's right now and am really glad I get to wish you guys all a happy new year. I won't say this year hasn't been tough for me- because that would be a lie. Kyle's watching me right now and smiling, because he says when I write I look my happiest and he wants me to be happy. He isn't wrong about that, it's probably when I feel my happiest too. I actually started writing a short novel, and was so pissed off to find my computer saw fit to erase all but the first 16 pages of it. I can't tell you the rage I flew into when I saw that, and that was the first time Kyle ever saw me really angry. He didn't really know what to do, so he just held me as I sobbed angry tears at the thought of having to retype 200 fucking pages. Luckily, that was exactly what I needed from him and I love him for it. But seriously- I finally fucking work up the guts to try to write a novel and this happens. He just put his arm around me to keep me from flipping out on him, lol. I have to say my boyfriend rocks. Christmas was amazing, we had so much fun together. I'm so glad that Mom likes (or seems to) like Kyle. I think she likes Patrick, Cassie's boyfriend, too. I really want to go into next year with a good outlook. I could definitely stand to work on that some more. I'm still considering spending time in Japan alone, part of me still thinks it would be good for me to have to stand on my own for once. I think that's about it for now.
Today's song is "Drain Away" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!

  

Feeling better again

HEY!!
I'm feeling a lot better now. I'm sorry my last few entries were a little depressing. I have to say, Kyle's been so good to me. I'm a lucky woman to have such a loving and understanding boyfriend. I'm glad he truly seems to love seeing me happy. I should learn to look at the good things in life, and not just the bad all the time. I have a family, friends, and boyfriend who all love me and want me to be happy. I need to learn to find happiness within myself, but having other people who make me happy helps more than I can say. I'm excited to have everyone over for Christmas. This will be the first time Cassie and I will be inviting our boyfriends over so I'm a little nervous about that, but more than anything I'm just excited to spend some quality time with the people who love me. I'm also having coffee with Angela next Saturday, and going shopping with Ariana, Cory's best friend, next Sunday. I'm kind of glad to be doing anything but work at this point. It feels like I've been so isolated that I've barely had to time to do anything but work and I think that's why I was feeling so down. I kind of had to dig myself out of that hole and push myself to spend time with friends, while I still have them. I wish I didn't have a tendency to act like that, where I cut people off and push them away when I really need them with me. I've been trying to work on my relationship with Dad, and I like to think it's going well but I hate that he always sneaks in some snarky ass comments about how I live. It's weird to me that he seems convinced that I need to be married, yet he's a two time divorcee and both marriages fell apart because of him. I don't want to start any fights over that with him, but it bugs me so much. I think that's it for now.
Today's song is "Ain't Afraid to Die " by Dir En Grey

Disappointing

HEY!!!
I'm still feeling like I'm disappointing everyone and I can't stand it. I'm spending tomorrow with Kyle, but at the expense of going bowling with Cassie, Mom, Danny, and Mark. I hate how Mom reacts on the rare occasion I tell her no. She acts like I'm betraying her almost when I don't do what she wants and that hurts so bad every time, I love Mom and always have, but I hate when she acts like that. It isn't like I haven't spent a lot of time with her and my family and done a lot in my own way to benefit them. I wouldn't think that a day alone with the boyfriend I finally have is too much to ask, right? I don't like when people act in a passive-aggressive way, and Mom is easily one of the most passive-aggressive people I've ever met. I just wish there were some magical way to make and keep everyone happy. I finally introduced Kyle to Dad and it was as big a disaster as you can imagine, I don't know why I bother sometimes, I had to apologize to Kyle for the way Dad treated him. That's what makes me so crazy, Dad was the one saying the loudest that I needed a boyfriend, and now that I have one, he fucking hates him. That being said, I still don't want to disappoint my parents. >_>  What am I supposed to do? I know my parents love me in their own flawed ways, but I think I've let them call the shots far too often. I'm so confused right now. I don't want to disappoint them, but I rail against their expectations more and more inside I think that's it for now.
Today's song is "Shokubeni" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!

Working, working, working

HEY!!!
I'm glad to be back here again, I'm feeling a little sad today. Mike sent me a text yesterday talking about something that Jack said about music and its healing powers and said "I swear this sounds just like something you would say. It's crazy how much alike you two are." I  think he's right, and that might have been the problem between us. I hate that I had to agree with Mike right away on that, but again I think Jack and I were too much alike to have a functional relationship. Especially because we're making relationships work with other people and it feels much easier than our relationship (such as it was) with each other ever was. That's not to say I don't still miss him and wish we could have stayed friends but his wife and Kyle would never allow that. I know it's good that he and I are moving on with our lives, but he's still one of the best friends I've ever had and I miss having someone understand my thoughts and feelings as easily as he did. I'm going to switch subjects now because thinking about him still makes me sad. I'm still faithfully studying my Japanese and it's getting a little easier, but I hate Kanji with a passion. I think it does help to listen to Japanese music, and to that end Kyle pre-ordered the Dir En Grey Greatest Hits vol.1 for Christmas and I can't wait. I love having a boyfriend who's also a Dir En Grey fan, lol. I love that he's also learning Japanese. I think that's about it for now. Thank you for reading.

Today's song is " Audience Killer Loop" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!!

What a month

HEY!!!
It's been such a long month. I've been so busy, but it's what I'm used to at this point. I'm feeling very stressed out. I actually started crying to Kyle the other day because I'm feeling spread so thin. I feel like I haven't really given him, my friends, or family the attention they deserve. This is exactly what I was afraid of with Jack, and it's happening with Kyle too. I love my family, friends, and Kyle but wish I had more time to give them all. It's nice to have a boyfriend to cry to, but I hate doing that. I need to let myself lean on him more though, and I'm still a little reluctant to do it. That's part of a relationship though, isn't it?  I'm glad to say that Cory is doing well in rehab and  it turns out he and his girlfriend are going to get married. It's funny to think that my little brother is getting married before me. I really don't know if I ever want to get married, but I'm happy that Cory's found a girl who makes him so happy. I'm still getting to know her, but all that really matters is she and Cory are happy together. I'm still getting ready for Christmas and hate feeling like I'm behind on that too, I'm going to have Kyle here with my family for Christmas and it's going to be a bit crazy but at the same time I want them to get to know him. Cassie also has a new boyfriend, and is bringing him too. I hope our boyfriends get along with each other and with Mom. I think that's basically all for right now. Thank you for reading.
Today's song is "Shokubeni" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!!!!