Danny's birthday, Thanksgiving plans, and Christmas prep

HEY!!!!
I'm glad to be back again. I'm looking forward to celebrating Danny's birthday and Thanksgiving. I'm also looking forward to Christmas, though Cassie and Cory can't be here for it. I'm glad Cory's getting help in rehab, but I really miss him at the same time. I feel sorry for him knowing he's going to miss out on seeing his family this Christmas, but he didn't see us last year either- because he was blackout drunk. He needs help and I think he even has to admit it at this point. Cassie doesn't want Cory to be alone on Christmas though, and is going to see him that day. I wish things could be simpler. I thought with Jack now out of my life that maybe my life would be a little bit simpler, but I was wrong. Maybe that's because I haven't totally pushed him out of my heart yet. I know it upsets Kyle when I mention Jack, so I don't talk about him in front of him anymore. He knows some of the pain Jack's caused me, and doesn't care that I caused Jack some pain too. I'm still going to help Mom decorate her house for Christmas though, because it always makes her happy to light up the Christmas tree and hang the stockings. I know she's going to miss Cassie and Cory though. That was the point of having this big Christmas celebration every year, so she got to see all of her kids in the same place at the same time again. I have to admit, I would miss the hell out of my family at times like that if I moved to Japan. I'd have to come home for Christmas. Is it weird to love your family so much yet also feel kind of smothered by them? I need to get off my ass and get some of my Christmas shopping done. I have good ideas on what to get everyone, luckily. I  kind of feel like I need to hang out with my friends more too, I've been so wrapped up in work, Kyle, and my family that I haven't had much time lately even for Angela, who is my best friend in the entire world. I say that, and immediately the guilt sets in for not making more of an effort with Jack to fit him into my life. I've made it work so far with Kyle because he's far less proud and stubborn than I am. I think that's all for today. 
Toady's song is "Fade to Black" by Metallica 
BYE!!!!

 

Post Halloween babble

HEY!!!!!!!!!!
I'm glad to be back again. I'm definitely a little sad that Halloween is over, though. I got a call from Mom the other day saying that Grandma isn't doing very well and I'm really worried. I might have to make an impromptu trip to Austria if Grandma doesn't start feeling better. I lost my grandpa in 2006 and am not ready to lose Grandma too. I'm not ready to lose anyone. I know Mom feels guilty for moving so far away, and this lead to an interesting discussion between us. We got to talking about Cassie and I both expressing a desire to move away from here and though Mom seemed to be all right with the idea, I could tell she had misgivings. I could understand not wanting your daughters to leave, especially since I want to move to Japan. Mom said she felt she'd been selfish and felt guilty about having those thoughts, though. I'm glad she realized that, but I don't want her to feel guilty. I know we're all we have and that's our strength as a family. I was so afraid to express my desire to move to Japan or even admit that I'd been thinking about it. My parents are not always the most supportive or understanding people, and aren't likely to want their daughter to move so far away. Sometimes, I feel like that's the only way for me to have a fresh start. I still want that, and I still think Mom wanted a fresh start away from her mom, too. I love Grandma, but she doesn't always treat Mom very well and I see a lot of that reflected in how Mom treats me sometimes. I know Mom feels like she hurt Grandma by moving so far away, but I understand her desire for a new start where she has to stand totally on her own. I talked to Cassie yesterday about her new boyfriend, and she seems really happy with him. She said she isn't going to date the best looking guys anymore because the last 2 she's dated have been absolute assholes who treated her terribly and she doesn't want to go through that again. I totally understand, and told her she deserves to be treated well. I would really miss these little moments of sisterly closeness between us if we did live on different sides of the world. I think if I did move to Japan, Cassie would be the first to visit me. 👯  I think that's all for now.
Today's song is "Drain Away" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!!

Getting back on track

HEY!!!

I'm honestly going to do my best to keep this blog up to date if anyone is still interested in reading it. It's much better for me to write, I always feel better when I have the chance to sit and do this. I can talk about lighter, less serious things today. I'm of course still watching anime, and one of the best new series I've seen so far is "The Ancient Magus Bride" I really like the whole aspect of magic and the supernatural in it. I also like that there's a bit of humor in it. I also finally got to see Kuroko no Basuke Last Game", and really enjoyed it though I'm sad the series itself is over. I loved that the movie had more Atsushi Murasakibara in it, I just love him. It was also awesome seeing them all play as a team. All right, that's enough. I also know they're going to make more "Free Iwatobi Swim Club" movies, and I can't wait for that. 💓All right, enough of me fangirling. I've been practicing my Japanese a little bit, but need to make more time for that. I'm hoping I can still learn enough at least to get by if I do decide to try for a job in Japan. I really don't think Mom would understand, though. Despite the fact that she came here by herself to work when she was only 19. I have to admit everything isn't perfect with my parents still.Mom just refuses to listen to any point of view that isn't hers or aligns perfectly with hers and that makes it so much more difficult to talk to her despite the fact that I could really use her advice and insight sometimes.  There's still so much about me that I don't think my dad will ever understand, and he treats me like some helpless little princess which is never helpful. 👸 Mom also has a very "With me or against me" way of looking at things, which makes trying to reason with her impossible sometimes. This shit is part of why I want to move away though. On a lighter note, I'm so excited for Halloween 👻👻👻 I think that's all for right now. Today's song is "Vinshuka" by Dir En Grey
BYEEEE!!!!

 

Back Again

HEY!!!
I'm SO sorry I haven't written anything in a long time. I don't do this deliberately, but so much shit has happened I can't keep up. I lost my friend Jessica a few weeks ago, and I still can't get over it. We had our first snow of the season, and her car slid off a bridge into the river. I can't tell you how much this hurts. Her funeral was one of the saddest days of my entire life and it's only now that I can write about it. Cory is also in rehab again, I'm praying he actually quits drinking this time. I miss him a lot, and actually just got a call from him, but it's better that he goes through this program and I hope it helps him. I'm using my old computer again because the new one I bought isn't worth shit and I had to get rid of it. I'm trying to think of some positive things to write about. Kyle and I are still together, though long distance relationships are really difficult. That's another part of the reason I haven't written much, I went to spend some time with him. That reignites the  guilt I felt for not seeing Jack when he asked me to come see him. Yes, I know it was a long way to travel and I had work more often than not, but I still feel like I should have put in the time and effort to go see him. Why would I do this for Kyle and not Jack, right? What makes one guy more worthy than the other?  I know I loved Jack, but why not try to show it more? I've also been looking into spending time in Japan. I might be able to get an English teaching job over there and I feel like a change of scenery would be really good for me. I know it seems like I'm just running from my problems, and maybe I am, but part of me just wants to get away from all the bad things here. The only problem with the idea of going to Japan is my family would really miss me, Mom and Mark in particular. I haven't brought up the subject yet with my parents or siblings, because part of me is afraid to. Cassie is thinking of moving across the country after a really bad break up and Mom is totally against it. Imagine me moving across the Pacific. Ultimately, we would both be moving because of a guy.I would really miss my family, no question, but the sense of freedom I felt when even thinking about moving to Japan was amazing. Cory was saying rehab isn't terrible. but he wishes he could see us, he gets lonely. I know that would be a problem for me too if I moved to Japan. I've never really had to be totally self-sufficient though because my family's always been there for me. Maybe that wasn't always good for me though, I don't want to depend on other people for everything. I think that's it for right now. I'm going to be back tomorrow. I promise.
Today's song is " One" by Metallica
BYE!!!!!

Family

HEY!!!
I'm so glad I get to write again. This week has been so stressful. Every time I see Mom and Mark it seems like they're arguing over something stupid that really doesn't matter and I get so tired of trying to play mediator. I've felt this way for a long time, but am actually close to saying something about it for once. They both complain to me about the other too, just like Mom and Dad do.  😢 I don't want to keep being put in the middle of fights that aren't mine and shouldn't really be fights in the first place. What do I do? I want to speak up about this shit, but then I'm worried they're going to say I don't get to speak up because it doesn't involve me. Yet it affects me too, you know?  I really just want to have a normal, happy family. I guess I'm doing all right, otherwise. I had a dream about Jack  last night, and almost woke up in tears. I know this pain is going to take some time to heal but I wish I could start the process already. Obviously, my subconscious also knows I'm not totally over him yet. I think that's about it for now that you some much for reading.
BYE!!!!

Today's song is "Nemesis" by Arch Enemy

Two terrible weeks

HEY!!!!I'm sorry I was gone for a while again. These have been 2 of the worst weeks of this year. My uncle died a few days ago. I got a call from my aunt late Wednesday night, telling me he'd passed away. I feel guilty for not going to Austria to see him and my aunt now. I know I should probably spend more time over there with my family, but it's so expensive. Seriously, it was less than half the price to fly to Tokyo than it would have been to fly to Vienna. Was I being selfish for going to Japan instead of Austria? I was chatting with Sabrina  last week and she seemed so disappointed that I'm not planning on flying over there anytime  soon. I hope I'm not pushing them all away to the point where they won't want to see me anymore when I go back there. Speaking of people I've pushed away, Jack is officially a married man and my heart needs some time to adjust to that. Mike went to the wedding and told me Jack and his wife looked so happy. I can just imagine his beautiful smile as they walked out of the church together. I'm going to be fine eventually, but this wound is still a little too new to really pick at anymore right now. I want Jack to be happy, and I'm happy with Kyle; but long distance relationships suck ass. I still haven't told anyone but Angela about Kyle and myself yet, I'm so afraid of how everyone's going to react. My parents are going to hate him, I know it. At least then Dad might shut up about my finding a boyfriend, but I'm still not ready to tell him. Mom's going to be the next person to find out, I just have to prepare her a bit. Cory got in trouble for drinking and driving again, his 2nd DUI, and I'm so disappointed in him. For a while he'd really quit drinking, and things were going so well for him. I don't know what happened to make him think he needed to  drink again, but I'm so fucking upset he didn't resist that impulse. He's going to be on probation until he's almost 29, and that sucks. I know he was upset by the loss of our uncle too, but that isn't the way to handle things. I also wanted to mention Chester Bennington's death, it was so sad. I know I'm not the only person who was touched by the lyrics he wrote and the words he sang, but I'm going to say my piece anyway. I was one of the probably millions of angry, lonely, scared kids who bought Linkin Park's first 2 albums and found solace and peace in their music, I felt validated and understood by someone I knew I'd never meet, and that was enough to get me through that. I still say "Numb" puts my feelings about Mom into words better than I ever could, and I still listen to that song. I guess that's really all I wanted to say about that. Thank you for reading.
BYE!!!!

Back again ^_^

HEY!!!

I'm so glad to be back again. It feels good to be writing again, I missed it while I didn't have a computer and didn't feel like writing. I'm going to a fireworks display with my family tonight, and I think it's going to be really nice and relaxing, which is what I need. I haven't told anyone about dating Kyle yet, I'm afraid of what they're going to think of him and I don't want anyone putting him down. I'm trying to rid my life of all traces of Jack. but it's so difficult. I've been doing a lot to try and distract myself. I saw an episode of "Little Witch Academia" in Japan and loved it, so I've been watching a lot of it now that they've finally brought it to the U.S.  I just thought it was cute and funny, and I liked the art style. I'm also really looking forward to the 3DS version of "Pokémon Soul Silver" that's coming out this Fall, since that's one of the few "Pokémon" games I didn't get to play originally. I've been trying to get into new music too, but few bands have really impressed me. I'm finally coming around to Ghost BC, though I know they're not really a new band. I didn't really give them a fair chance though, if I'm honest. I'm thinking of staying in Japan for a while, like I said yesterday. I just want a fresh start and to be alone for a while to truly figure things out. I think I understand part of why Mom came here from Austria by herself, she needed to be far away from everything over there. If I remember right, she was also trying to get over a guy. I might wish I'd never fallen in love with Jack. but what's done is done. I think that's it for now. Thank you for reading.

Today's song is "Circie" by Ghost BC

BYE!!!!