Running into Jack

HEY!!!!

I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. I was playing Overwatch last weekend and you won't believe who they matched me up against, fucking Jack. I couldn't believe it when I heard his voice. He made a really funny joke, and I couldn't help but laugh. It felt so good to hear him laugh too, and for a split second it felt like old times between us. It was so painful being dragged back to reality after that brief, beautiful moment with him. Unfortunately nothing changes the fact that I fucked up our relationship and he's still in love with and engaged to another woman. I hate that all he has to do is laugh and my heart skips a beat.I hate that I'm having so much trouble letting him go. I still miss him, too. I had a much less bittersweet and much creepier experience the day. One of my neighbors, Jason, has it in his head that he likes me and wants to go out with me. He's tried to friend me twice on Facebook using different names, tries to talk to me everyday as I'm going upstairs to my apartment, and he just won't leave me alone. I've told him I'm not interested, but he keeps bothering me and I want him to stop. I don't want him to start stalking me or something, he already knows where I live after all. I don't know why I seem to attract the creepy guys yet push away the sweet, beautiful, funny ones. I have to admit Jack's sense of humor is part of what made me fall in love with him, along with his smile, laugh, and his love for and dedication to his music. I can't believe that at this time next month Cassie and I are going to be in Japan again, I can't fucking wait. I was asked again why I don't try to move there, and maybe I should at least try. I do worry what it would do to my family, though, and my parents in particular. Part of me really does want to get away from Jack, but I wonder if even putting the Pacific Ocean between us would be enough. I would still miss him, probably for a long time. I think that's about it for now, I promise to write more and keep this going.
Today's song is "Zakuro" by Dir en Grey
BYE!!!!!!

Coffee chat with Kyle, but why?

HEY!!!
I'm sorry I haven't been here lately. I talked to Kyle a few days ago, and it was nice but I found myself asking why  I was doing it. I don't know if he really just wants to be friends or if he might actually like me. I don't feel for him what I still feel for Jack, I can't help it. He's cute and charming and shit, but I'm not in love with him. I hate that it feels wrong to talk to him since I'm still in love with Jack. Kyle is in Japan right now and we were talking about Japan and how awesome and beautiful it is. In 2 months Cassie and I are going to be hanging out in Nagoya and I can't wait. I think that's about it for now. Thank you so much for reading this.
Today's song is " Aureilia" by AFI
BYE!!!!!

Travel planning, coffee, and otaku things

HEY!!
I'm trying to get the hotels booked soon for Cassie and I.  I want everything to go smoothly, I fucking refuse to have her make fun of me and talk down to me like she did for half our last trip to Japan. I should have done this sooner, but it took her forever to figure out how long she wanted to stay in Tokyo. That's one benefit of traveling alone, I could decide everything and the only person I had to make happy was myself. I'm going to get my nails done today, and want a cute manicure. They have a Sailor Moon themed manicure, and I think I'll go with that.💅💅 Then, a trip to Starbucks is in order.  I went grocery shopping after work yesterday, and this clerk I've seen before asks me if I've seen Hellsing, to which I replied only a few episodes, and it wasn't really for me. He seemed a bit disappointed, and said "You're killing me, girl. I would have expected better of you. It's not often I meet otaku girls, though, so it's okay." He always seems a bit flirtatious though, and I'm not down for that. Are otaku girls really tough to find? I guess maybe otaku girls just don't talk to him. I got my figure of Atsushi Murasakibara, it's beautiful. 😍 I think that's all for now.
Today's song is "The Negative One" by Slipknot
BYE!!

Becoming an even bigger nerd

HEY!!!
I'm so glad to be be back here. I finally took a chance and bought something off eBay. I saw this gorgeous figure of Atsushi Murasakibara from Kuroko no Basket that looked just like one I saw in Tokyo the last time I was there, but this one was $45 cheaper. I couldn't resist, and can't wait to actually have it. I had told myself I could find it elsewhere, but the price was too good to pass up. I wish I'd stopped there, but I found a few things from Yuri on Ice I couldn't resist, either. Sadly, this is why I don't shop online too much. I have no fucking self control. I've started playing a couple of new games, too. I haven't talked to Kyle very much lately and don't know if I should until I have my head together a bit more. He doesn't realize how messed up the pretty, smiling girl he started talking to is inside. I'm absolutely not over Jack yet, and I don't know when that will be. It wouldn't be fair to tell him lies about myself and make him think I'm better adjusted than I am. I know from experience a straight up no is kinder in this case than to lead him on. I think that's all for now.
Today's song is " Unforgiven ||" by Metallica
BYE!!

Goodbye, Agony

HEY!!!!
Happy New Year's, everyone. I talked again to my blue haired Instagram fanboy, Kyle. I think he's nice and all, but  I honestly don't think I'm in any shape to be talking to guys right now about anything very serious. I don't really know why I talked to him at all, other than I thought he was cute, too. I just can't picture this going  anywhere or going well realistically because I might not look it, but I'm a total mess inside. I hate just insecure I still am, too. I did call Mike, because I want to fix our relationship if at all possible. It made me wonder though if I'm not being selfish by holding on to him. I want to remain his friend, but he been Jack's best friend for years. 💔 I have no right to fuck that up. I can tell I'm making it more difficult for him, he feels like he has to choose sides. What do I do? These are easily the most important friendships I've formed in years. What the hell is wrong with me? I should really let him go too. I watched "My Love Story" last night, but had to quit about halfway through the series, I started crying at how happy they were. That's what I mean when I say I'm a fucking mess- such a sweet, innocent story shouldn't make me cry. Maybe I cried because it's never been that nice and easy for me and I'm jealous, I don't know. I need to leave Kyle alone and heal my wounds as it were, I think. My family and I are going to have Christmas later, because the weather was so shitty no one could make it to Mom's house. That disappoints me a little, but I can wait. I think that's all for now.
Today's song is "Goodbye Agony" by Black Veil Brides
BYE!!!!!

Anime, coffee, music, and a rare bit of boredom

HEY!!!!
Happy New Year's Eve, everyone!! I hope next year will be better not only for myself, but for everyone. Now that I've finished "Yuri on Ice" 💓I thought I might as well finish some other series like "Tokyo Ghoul" and "Kuroko no Basuke" 💗💘 that I interrupted to watch "Yuri on Ice", and I fucking loved them. I know I'm kind of late to both parties, but damn they were good. Obviously, I developed a bit of a crush on Uta: his look is just so awesome and he seemed really cool. I've mentioned before I love Muraskibara from KnB, he's too God damn funny in my opinion. I also love his hair, he's cute. I'm planning to start "Bungo Stray Dogs" soon and have begun ""My Love Story". both of which I highly recommend based on what I know of them so far. I was also thinking that I should start the thrid season of "Uta no "Prince Sama"

. It's difficult to pick a favorite in that one, but I think if pressed I'd pick Ren, simply because he is gorgeous yet his lines are cheesy enough sometimes that I'd laugh. I've noticed I almost never seem to pick the guys in anime that are really popular with other girls, I tend to pick the weirdos. Do I have bad taste in both real and fictional men? I'm fairly sure I do, God damn it. I was listening to the four different bands my male friends are in, and objectively trying to decide who sings and plays better. I hate to admit that in my opinion Jack's band wins out by a pretty huge margin. But it's not just because of how he plays the guitar, it's in large part thanks to how Mike sings. His voice is objectively the clearest and has the best tone in my opinion. I go fairly heavily on whether or not I like the singer's voice when I listen to a band, and Mike fucking nails it. I miss him, obviously. It hasn't been the same between us since I refused to go to Jack's Halloween party. I'm not going to his New Year's party, either. I hate so much that this is happening. I know I said years ago that I was afraid of just this happening, and it's begun. The only way I can think of to stop it is to talk to Mike one on one and try to explain to him that just because things have gone to hell between Jack and myself doesn't mean we can't be friends anymore. I really want him around, in fact. I'm sure I mentioned that he was kind of the light to the darkness that Jack and I seemed more comfortable in. I need someone around who's not Angela with a better attitude than mine. Maybe it's not possible and I'm being too optimistic. I tend to be guilty of wishful thinking when I know I want one outcome but  another is far more likely. I said too that if anything bad happened between Jack and I that it would be tough to keep up a friendship with Mike, since he's his best friend. See what I meant when I said I had bad taste in men? I'm also a little bored for the first time in what seems like forever. I think I'm going to wait until it gets dark and play "Slender". That's just the kind of mood I'm in right now. 💢    I also fucking finally got the new BVB and Motionless in White albums. I think that's it for right now. Thank you so much for reading this.  I love you guys, 💙
Today's songs are " 570" by Motionless in White, " Goodbye Agony" by Black Veil Brides, and "Aurealia"  by AFI
BYE!!!!

Merry Christmas (Eve)

HEY!!! 

It's been kind of a crazy week, but most of it has been good. I got more time off and got to hang out with Angela and Jessica again. It's amazing how much I missed them, and the simple joy of having nothing to do but drink coffee and talk with friends. I got another compliment on a picture I posted on Instagram of my Christmas makeup from my blue haired fanboy. I don't know, he seems really sweet but I have so little faith left in men at this point I'm afraid to talk with him because he can't be as perfect as he seems. I'm going to be bitter over what happened with Jack for a while. I can't wait to go back to Japan, I'd just as soon not  come back at this point. I've started talking to my dad again, I don't want to be angry at him anymore. It truly feels like he gives me little choice in that sometimes, though, and what he said really hurt me. I think we're going to have to postpone Christmas for a while, though because it's been dumping snow on us since yesterday and the roads are super shitty. I was truly looking forward to spending time with my family. I was so happy when Cassie called me for gift recommendations for Mom, Cory, Danny,  and Mark. I can't help but be happy when she wants to know what I think. I was also a bit surprised to hear my dad explain what anime is, I didn't think he'd really listened when I told him about it. I think that's it for now. 

Today's song is "Uroko" by Dir En Grey

BYE!!!