Craziest week of my life

Hey!!!

 I'm so glad to be back again. I can't t tell you how great it is to finally sit and write about the epic shit storm that is my life right now. I tried to ignore Jack after our last fight, thinking it would be for the  best, but he called me and apologized, then asked if he could come over, saying he wanted to talk. I said yes, hoping things would go better than the last time we spoke. He apologized again, saying he didn't mean to hurt me, and I wanted to believe him. He also said he didn't want his girlfriend to create a   rift between us, not knowing she has. I told him I understood and didn't want to make things more difficult for him and that I'd do nothing to stand in their way.He gave me this weird look and said that he liked me for a long time after we first met, but I never gave him the time of day and never made being with him a priority, so he moved on and gave up because he felt rejected. Why the fuck is he saying this when we've known each other for seven years almost??!!?! He told me it was too difficult to know where he stood with me and I held too much back. He actually had the guts to kiss me after he said that. Are all men fucking mental or is this my fault too? I day dreamed about this, and when it finally happens it feels wrong because he isn't mine to kiss. I really worry what his actions have wrought here. I don't think his girlfriend is ever going to forgive me, and the sad part is I can't blame her. I told him to leave and to never speak to me again. I never thought it could hurt to break up with someone you weren't really with in the first place, but God damn if my heart didn't break like glass the second he left.  I really thought he was everything I wanted in a man, and there were so many times I asked if he couldn't be my soulmate. I don't know how to deal with this, I've never wanted to be with someone so badly yet I was still too afraid to go for it. I've never had a man who understood me like he does, it makes me sad beyond measure to know that I could have had him if I'd just let him in. I fell numb and tired now, I don't want to get up or go to work tomorrow. I really should call Angela or Cassie, but I just can't. I just want to cry and be alone. I think that's it for now.

God damn it

HEY!!!
Good morning, I'm really glad to be back again. I had another fight with Jack, this time over the phone. He called me, trying to act like nothing had happened. I told him I can't do this with him anymore. He knows I can't be mad at him without extreme difficulty, I don't think he realizes how much he's hurting me by doing this. I cried over the phone, I need to let him go and he needs to let me let him go. I still really want to be with him, but it's never going to happen and I need to accept that. I've been pouring myself even harder into my work lately, and have been offered more hours, but I can't possibly take them. I kind of want to go to Japan with Cassie, Marie, and Julia right now. I think that's really it for now. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "I'm so sick" by Flyleaf
BYE!!!

Leaving Jack alone, reaffirming friendships, but still feeling lost

HEY!!!
I'm sorry that once again I haven't been here. I had a rather huge fight with Jack last night because he invited me to one of his band's shows and I just can't bare to go there and see his girlfriend watching him like a hawk. I know she still hates me, and I'm not going to stand there anymore and know that they're together, happy, and I have no chance with him,. I'm still in love with him, but he's never going to return that love so I need to let him go. This led to  an unexpected bonding moment with Cassie, though, as she and her boyfriend had just broken up too. I posted the video for Slipknot's "Snuff", and she said "I love this song", which made me really happy. She then called me and we just talked about guys and cried a little over our respective man troubles.It was kind of nice to be able to talk to her like this, and liberating as hell to know I can trust her with my feelings and she won't make fun of me. It's nice to know that she trusts me with her feelings, too. I just needed to talk to someone and didn't want to burden Angela or Jessica with my problems.I especially didn't want to bother Angela because she's supposed to have had her baby 2 days ago and is freaking out over that. She called me because she needed me and I couldn't let her down. It's nice knowing at least I don't have to be strong in front of Cassie all the time. I'm going to have my gaming session with my friends soon, minus Angela, I'm going to dye my hair though, I've gotten a little bit bored of it. I think that's all for now. Thank you for reading.
Today's songs are "Snuff" and "Dead Memories" by Slipknot.
BYE!!!!!!!

Finally back again

HEY!!!
Good morning, and sorry I've been gone so much again. I had to go out of town for work last weekend, so I didn't even get to have my gaming session with my girls. I really missed it. I have to fess up right now and say that I saw Jack yesterday, I'd missed him so much. I hate the power he still has over me and how difficult it really is for me to let him go.  He even hugged me and gave me tickets to his band's next 2 shows. What the fuck am I going to do with this guy? I can't help loving him, yet I know I can't be with him. He doesn't seem to want to let go of our friendship, either. Do I remain his friend and ignore that it kills me to know that's all we're ever going to be or move on and try to find a guy who makes me feel this way too but is actually in love with me? I did have a really nice conversation last weekend with Cory, that was pretty much the highlight of my weekend. I'm glad we can talk like this and are friends again. I think that's it for right now.
Thanks so much for reading.
Today's song is "Uroko" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!

So much to do, so little time

HEY!!!
I had to stop and write for at least a while. I'm sorry I haven't been here lately, but my computer is being a piece of shit and I've been too fucking busy to fix it. I've also been doing a lot of swimming and gaming, so I guess I should admit that if I'd cut down on those just a bit, I could have fixed my computer by now. But work has been insane, the only thing that makes it bearable is I get to work with Jessica. I'm still doing my gaming sessions with her, Julia, Angela, and Marie. I love that we have our own little girl gaming group. Danny's leg should be healed enough that he can go back to work in a week, and I'm  so happy for him. It's good to see him walking around and doing things he couldn't at first. There's still the possibility he's going to have to have surgery, but I'm hoping he won't. I just want him to finally be better and get his life back to normal. I think he also wants something to do, he seems super bored every time I talk to him. I got invited to Jack's band's shows on the 20th, and I don't know if I can or should go. I know his girlfriend is going to be there, and I feel like it would be a disaster if I showed up. I don't know if I should keep doing this with him, I love him, but obviously not as much as he loves her, you know? I need to move on and I think a good start is not to hang out with him anymore. I think that's it for now.
Today's song is "Utafumi" by Dir En Grey.
BYE!!!!

Terrifying dream, coffee with Cory, good week

HEY!!!
Good morning. I just woke up from one of the most vivid, and saddest dreams of my entire life. I dreamed about Jack dying, it was the weirdest thing. This is the second time I've dreamed of someone in my life dying, and the second time I've woken up in tears. It felt so real, I miss him so much still, I can't help it. I want to let him go, but I can't because a small part of me really doesn't want to. I tried calling him for his birthday a few days ago, which I know was a fucking stupid idea, but it turned out even worse when his girlfriend picked up his phone. Of course, she told me to quit calling her boyfriend. I know she loves him, but God damn it, I love him too. I just wish so much he had fallen in love with me instead of her. All right, enough. I had an awesome time talking to Cory and drinking coffee with him. I love my little brother so much. He said he loves the innocence he sees in me and lacks it himself. Otherwise, it's been a good week. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is " The Dope Show" by Marilyn Manson
BYE!!!!!

Another good week

HEY!!!!
This has been a\really great week I had my girls over to play games again, and I feel like I needed that. I can't wait to go to Japan with Cassie, Julia, and Marie. I just want so much to relax and have fun with people, I hate having so many hours of work. Once again, I feel like I work too much and need a break. I want to be with these girls, I love them. I bought my first (but not last) Halloween decorations yesterday, I don't know why that makes me so happy, but it does. I went on a game run yesterday and bought "Yokai Watch", which I seriously hope is as fun as "Pokemon", I pre-ordered "Pokemon Moon", and can't wait for it to come out. I got invited to one of Jack's shows, but I don't even know if I should go. I know his girlfriend isn't going to like it if I go, and I don't want to upset her. I hate the idea that he and I can't even be friends anymore, though. I think that's it for now.
Today's song is "The Good Left Undone" by Rise Against
BYE!!!!