My parents.....ugh

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, guys. I have a bit of ranting to do about my parents, as you might have guessed, I know I said I had a decent conversation with them yesterday, but I get so mad when they talk to me like an idiot or a little girl. I'm more willing to allow this with Mom since she's the one who's always taken care of me and been there for me, but enough is enough. What I don't get about Mom is how she can freely admit that in a lot of ways our family wouldn't have made it without my help, yet treat me like I don't know anything and am incapable of anything that isn't totally basic. My dad is just as bad, and it annoys the shit out of me. I know I might not always make smart decisions and they have came back to haunt me a few times, but it's still my right to decide what I do. I know that Mom at least has some right to tell what to do, but I will not take that from Dad, who's never been there and knows next to nothing about me. Both my parents are unbelievably stubborn and neither of them seem to believe they're wrong. They both have trouble believing anyone else could be right, too. Okay, new subject. I've heard from Jack, he's feeling a little better but still hasn't found his favorite guitar. Poor guy, it was his first guitar and hence has

 a lot of sentimental value to him. He started playing on this almost 10 years ago, and now it's gone. He's doing well still, otherwise. I miss him, of course, and can't wait till he comes home. I hope he takes care of himself out there, it's so fucking hot and miserable here and even worse where he is right now. I just want him to come home safely, as always. I'm being overprotective again, damn it. I think I'd be a good girlfriend, in that I'd always be looking out for him and there for him. I do still think my family gets in the way a bit, but at the same time they're my family and I love them with all my heart. It just bugs me the things my parents say sometimes , and how they say them. I don't know why things have to be so complicated all the time. Mark and I are going to watch a few movies soon, and I think that's going to be fun. I hope my work schedule doesn't get in the way of yet more things I want to do. I think that's basically everything for right now. Thank you very much for reading, love you guys.
Today's song is "Helena" by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!!!!!!

 

Stressed again..

HEY!!!!
Good morning, you guys. I'm feeling a little stressed out again, and want desperately to find a way to alleviate that. There was so much shit going on yesterday and so much to do seemingly all at once. I hate that my life has become a seeming non-stop barrage of things to do and people demanding things from me. I seem to have trouble just relaxing anymore. I did have a good time up at Cassie's, I have to admit. We did a bit of swimming and she showed me around her new place. I really like where she lives, and always have, but her new place is practically perfect. I even had a decent conversation with both my parents at the same time, which is a fucking momentous occasion. I still hate that I even thought I might have to act as their buffer again, though. I can't stand how neither one of them will ever admit they're wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong. Why can't they? I just feel sometimes like they couldn't interact without me. I don't know what to do, but feel again that I shouldn't have to solve my parents' problems for them. That's not my job as their daughter, right? I feel in a way like all the shit that's always going on with my family came between Jack and I, I pushed him away a lot and am afraid that our relationship has suffered because of it. I have heard from Jack, by the way. He's doing really well and feeling very happy, except for losing his favorite guitar.

He said he doesn't really know what happened, it seems to have just vanished after their show and it pisses him off that someone would do that to him. I understand, but I doubt he's ever going to see that guitar again. I hope he won't let this ruin the rest of this tour for him. Everything else is still going well for him, so I think he should focus more on that. I still really can't wait for him and Mike to come home. I miss those guys like crazy. Part of me wants to just shut my cell phone off and be left alone today. I know that if I did that though, something important would come up and I'd miss it. I shouldn't care, I deserve a little time to myself. I deserve to have some time to just focus on myself, instead of everyone else. I don't know if any of this is making sense, I just want to be alone for a little while today. My work schedule is going to be crazy next month, and I'm not looking forward to it in the least. I'm sorry to sound like I'm complaining a lot when in a lot of ways my life is awesome, but I just feel so overwhelmed and ill-equipped to handle everything sometimes that I need a place to come and blow off a little steam. We had a really intense rain storm here this morning that shook me out of the first sound sleep I've had in what seems like forever. The rain is sorely needed, don't get me wrong, but I really wish it hadn't woken me up. I want to go swimming again today if at all possible, the sun's come back out and it's starting to get hot again. Maybe that's what I'll use as an excuse for not answering peoples' calls for a little while. ^_~ I think that's about it for today. Thank you very much for reading.
Today's song is "Reila" by The Gazette
BYE!!!!!

  

Happy ^_^

HEY!!!!!
Good morning, you guys. I'm in an amazing fucking mood right now. I saw how the truck Cory was in looked after the accident, and am so glad he came out of it with nothing more than a bruise on his leg. I got to see him for the first time since the accident yesterday, and am happier than I can put into words to know that he's alright. Of course, I gave him a hug and told him how much I love him. I can't imagine losing my little brother. I also heard a new song from Jack's band and had this moment of absolute disbelief that these guys are still my friends.

I looked like this again, despite myself. I can't believe that just a year ago they were this little no name band struggling to make a name for themselves, and now they're this together, technically proficient, amazing "real" band.  I'm afraid Jack's always going to have this effect on me, whether I like it or not. I did hate that yet again, he's got girls just fawning over him. I love him, and don't want these other girls throwing themselves at him, you know? I know it's stupid and I have no claim on him, but I still want to be with him. I hate myself for being so weak when it comes to him, especially because most people don't get to me like he does. I don't know what it is about him, other than I feel in a lot of ways he understands me, which isn't something that necessarily happens a lot for me. I've definitely given him my heart, but also the power to crush it.I can't wait to see him and Mike again. I have to be patient and wait for them to come home again, and I really don't want to. I'm going to Cassie's house after work today, and am very excited. Things are good between us again, and I want to keep them like that. I don't know why sometimes she can be such a bitch and can seemingly reject me totally, but when the shit hits the fan, it's inevitably me she calls. I guess I still don't understand her.>_> I mean, think about; How many frantic late night phone calls have I gotten from her? How many times have I had to help her out of a jam or calm her down? I know that as her big sister that's kind of my job, but I could do without all the fighting and arguing. I think that's about it for right now. Thanks a lot for reading.^_^ Today's song is "Freak on a leash" by Korn
BYE!!!!!!!!!

SO STRESSED

HEY!!!
Good morning, guys. Sorry I didn't write yesterday. Cory was involved in a car accident, but he's all right. He and a couple of his friends were going somewhere, and a car hit them. He called me right after the emergency medical technicians checked him out and said he was okay. Sadly, someone in the other car didn't make it and one of his friends got hurt. I can't tell you how relieved I am that he's all right, I freaked the fuck out when the first thing he said to me when he called me was "Guess what happened to me today? I was in a car accident." One of Cassie's friends heard about it, then called her and made it seem like something horrible had happened to Cory. She then called me, crying uncontrollably, only to find out her friend had it wrong and Cory was fine. I felt so terrible for Cassie,  I haven't heard her cry like that in a long time. I've had a few friends call and ask if my little brother is okay, and I'm so glad I can tell them he is. Okay, onto a different subject. The girl in the picture up there is Rushuna from Grenadier, the one Camron was so into. I still can't believe him, the stupid asshole. I don't want to talk about him, either. >_> I had to avert yet another stupid, pointless argument between Mom and Mark yesterday, and it's getting so old. I just don't know how much more of this shit my heart can take. I can't stand it when they do this, and they know it. I have to switch subjects again.>_> I want to say Blessed Litha to all my fellow Wiccans, mine was very beautiful. I hate how quickly this year seems to be going by, it really doesn't seem fair.

 I haven't heard too much from Jack and the guys while they're on tour, just enough to know they're doing well and are happy. I miss Jack horribly, though I know I shouldn't. I have to say Mike made me smile with his silliness again, I miss him too. I'm stupid for thinking like this, probably. I can't help it though, you know? I just wish I could see them more. I'm trying to think and do things to help myself relax more, I tried singing which always seems to help. I was listening to the AFI version of "Jack the Ripper", and I don't usually like that sound of my own voice, but I killed it singing this. I enjoyed singing it too, most importantly. I guess that's really it for today, thank you very much for reading. I'll try to be back as soon as possible.
Today's song is "Too late for gods" by AFI
BYE!!!!

Weird conversations with my boys...

HEY!!!
Good morning, you guys. I'm feeling very stressed out again. I tried to help break up yet another of Mom and Mark's ridiculous arguments over things that mean nothing, and I really am sick of it. I swear to God, I have no idea why they both have to lose their tempers over things that don't matter, then take forever to apologize and get over it, if they do at all. What is the big fucking deal??!!!! I don't think they realize that they've got to learn to let little things go, and just keep their egos in check. I don't see why they have to keep doing this; I know they love each other and they need to learn to work things out between themselves without me. So to try and relieve a little stress, I started talking to Jamie and Jack. Jamie is the only friend I have who's also into Japanese music like Dir En Grey, and The Gazette, and he told me about a band called Nightmare. They're not quite as serious or heavy as Dir En Grey, but they're not bad in the least.

I have to admit that just like Dir En Grey and The Gazette, this band's got a few cute guys in it. ^_~ I'm really glad Jamie and I can still talk about this kind of shit at least, and have learned to just be normal around each other. It's refreshing, believe me. I was talking to Jack about music too, incidentally; more specifically, about how we love basically any kind of metal, but black metal. He was saying that it's basically just stupid, and he doesn't get why some people are so into it and listen to nothing else. I know Chris loves it, but I happen to disagree with him on this. I honestly never got it, either and have never been into it at all.  I thought it funny that once again, he mirrored my own thoughts and opinions exactly, without my ever mentioning anything to him. God damn it, this sucks. He does understand me frighteningly well, and not just on little things. He also said that he feels like he's caught between two lives, the one he leads while he's at home and the one he leads on the road. He said something keeps making him keep wanting to come back home. Why is he doing this to me? I want so badly to be the girl he wants to come home for and come home to. I didn't even tell him how it's messed me up to be without him. I'm crazy to just assume it's a girl he wants to come home to, but knowing him, I doubt it's anything else. I have to admit to a bit of crazy, non-girlfriend jealousy on my part again. This girl somehow got Jack's number, he swears he didn't give her the number, and started sending him flirty texts. I almost just slammed my laptop shut when he told me that, I got so angry. He tried to make it seem like no big deal, but it fucking was. I couldn't help feeling jealous, even though I have no right to. Part of me is so embarrassed that I could be so petty and ridiculous concerning a guy who isn't even my boyfriend, but I couldn't help it. I can't believe this girl was so desperate for his attention. Maybe I just feel a little smug because he actually gave me his number, but it still bugs me that this girl behaved like this. I think that's about it for today, thank you very much for reading.
Today's song is "Mama" by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!!!

So much on my mind

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, you guys. I've been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of people and things, though I don't know how much I've really got figured out. I think my dad is making a genuine effort to be more a part of my life now, and I think in a way he does regret not being there when I was a little girl, or even a teenager. Part of me thinks I should quit trying to keep him out and try to forgive him and salvage whatever I can of our relationship, though I don't really know if that's possible, either. I know in a way I've put him through hell by deliberately keeping him at arms length all this time, but it's difficult to forget how he treated Mom and that he wasn't there a single time Danny or I needed him when we were kids. I hate to say that at first I seriously thought he deserved it, but it's starting to seem cruel now and I feel bad. I did give him a hug and said "Happy Father's Day" yesterday, but that's about as nice as I've gotten so far. It's just been such a long time since he was any part of my life at all that now I have figure out how he's going to fit in, and how our relationship is going to work. All I really want to know is if I should forgive him and if I can really trust him again. What if he runs out again if I do decide to trust him again? What if he was just using me because he wants someone to help take care of him? Yeah, I have trust issues, and it's largely because of him. I think for now I've decided that I can be a little nicer, though I don't honestly know if I can fully trust him again. I've been thinking about Jack and Mike a lot, too.

 Yesterday was Mike's girlfriend's birthday, and he wrote her one of the sweetest, most beautiful notes I've ever read. I want to be loved like that, and I'm afraid Jack is not the guy to do that. I might love him, but he doesn't love me. I've been throwing myself against this particular wall for years now, and have gotten nowhere. I'm starting to ask myself what the point of continuing to do this would be, I only seem to be hurting myself. I hate to think of even trying to cut him out, but I think I might have to for my own good. He isn't going to fall in love with me any time soon, and I'm wasting my love, time, and attention on a guy who doesn't want it. This would be one of the most painful decisions I've ever had to make, since I do still love him. I ultimately have to do what's best for me, right? I was just talking to Cory, and am so happy for him. I'm so happy to see he's doing better and getting his life back together. I'm really trying to encourage him and help him in any way possible. What else is a big sister for, right? I hope so much that this works out for him, he deserves better. I really think he just can't give up, he'll make it if he keeps trying. I watched One Piece last night to try to get my mind off all of this shit, unsuccessfully. I have to say once again that I fucking love Ace. It's not just that he's gorgeous, though it helps; I really like the character. I think he's one of my favorite anime characters ever. I still will never watch
 his death scene again, I'd cry. I love this picture, I really do. I realize
it's weird to have a crush like this on an anime character, but I feel a little better knowing I'm not the only one who's done it. This makes me think of Camron and his giant crush on Rushana from Grenadier. I know I've said this before, but that asshole seriously loved an anime girl more than me. >_> I need a new subject now, sorry. Cassie and her best friend got into a fight again yesterday, and guess who got stuck into the middle of it. This girl right here. It seems Cassie wanted her friend to go pick something up for her because she didn't have time to do it herself, so she tried calling and texting her friend to make sure she'd still do this for her, only to be ignored multiple times. Cassie then called me to see if I could get her friend to answer her damn phone, which also didn't work. Her friend then comes by my apartment at about 9:00, asking if Cassie still wants her to do something for her. Cassie got pissed off, said it was pointless so late in the day, and told me to send her friend home. Cassie said it wasn't anything urgent, and she'd do it herself this weekend. It seems like I've been talking a lot today, God damn. I think that's it for now. Thanks for reading.
Today's song is "Duality" by Slipknot
BYE!!!!!!

Feeling a little better

HEY!!!
Good morning, you guys. I finally got Mom and Mark to talk things out; but again, I had to basically force them to do it. I know I'm fairly stubborn myself, but they take it to extremes that are fucking ridiculous. I'm glad I was able to help them at least. Things aren't perfect between them maybe, but they're getting better. I miss the hell out of Jack, once again.

I've already gotten to see a few pictures from their tour, and it's going really well so far. I really hope this good start is a good sign the rest of this tour will go just as well. He seems to be having the time of his life there, and I'm miserable without him. It isn't like I don't understand that this is his dream and he's worked really hard for this, but I wish he didn't have to be gone so often for so long. I know it's stupid to miss someone who isn't even my boyfriend, but I can't help it. I wish he reciprocated my feelings, I can't help that, either. I feel so stupid for letting myself fall in love with him, even though I really didn't have a choice. I wish he weren't so damn awesome and gorgeous, then maybe I could quit feeling like this. I wish we didn't understand each other, or get along, then I could definitely quit feeling like this. I think that's about it for right now.
Today's song is " Drain away" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!!