Ouch

HEY!!!!!!
I just found out that Cassie only invited us to the amusement park we went to because her friend she invited first bailed on her and she still wanted to go and didn't have anyone else to go with. I fucking hate knowing that I was a substitute for someone else, you know? Especially after all that bullshit she was spouting about sisterly bonding. I really thought we'd grown past this This just really hurts my feelings. I thought we'd become friends. I guess I really shouldn't have believed I'd be her first choice to hang out with. I feel kind of stupid, especially because I took the entire God damn day off  to spend it with her. She said that she and her best friend have been fighting like crazy and she wanted to be around someone who loves her. I can't fucking believe she lied to me like that. Okay, maybe not all of it was a lie, but most of it. She knows I'm the kind of stupid, weak-willed idiot who will do basically anything for those she loves and used that to her advantage. I hate myself sometimes for being like this. I've always been like this and wish I could quit. I've never really had the will to deprive someone I love of what they want if it's at all in my power to give it to them, you know? She got me to comfort her over the fights she's had with her friend and to give her love and companionship, and she didn't even really want me to be there. I hate being so easily used and manipulated.This also makes me wonder if others are doing the exact same thing to me and I just haven't realized it yet. Am I really that stupid? God, I don't know if I should be angrier at her for using me or angrier at myself for letting her do it. We took pictures together and we look really happy, and I hate so much that it was a lie. I hate that I still love her, too. I admit to using others (Dad, Jack, Cory, and Mark) to fend off the attention of guys I didn't like, but this is different. Okay, I think that's it for now.
Today's song is "Stillborn" by Black Label Society

BYE!!!!

Happy yet worried

HEY!!!!!

Good morning, guys. I had a fairly good day yesterday. Mark and Cory decided to come with us and make it kind of a family trip, which was pretty nice. I forgot just how much it takes out of me to be with all of them, though. I love them all, don't get me wrong, but I have trouble carrying on 3 totally different conversations at once. I got mad at Cory and Cassie for getting sloppy drunk, too. If they want to be around me, can't they do it without drinking? God, I'm lecturing again. I was happy to be invited and everything, but I'll never understand why they do this to themselves. Okay, on to another subject. I heard from Jack again!!! Our song quote war is back on!! I can't tell you how happy this makes me. I'm so glad just to fucking talk to him again. I hate that he's gone on another tour and I don't think he'll be back for at least a month. I miss him. I love him, God damn it. I really hope I don't lose him. I want him to be careful and take care of himself, but didn't say it because he'd just get mad. I hope he will take it to heart though. I guess that's about it for right now.
Today's song is "Built to fall" by Trivium

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quick update

HEY!!!!!!!
It feels like I haven't written in here for a really long time, sorry. Cassie and I are going to an amusement park tomorrow, and I have to admit I'm kind of excited. I know it's kind of childish, but I need a little break from the every day bullshit I deal with. I think  Jack is pissed at me for not going to his show, it sounds like it was a great one. He's been giving me the silent treatment for a few days now and I'm really worried he's lost patience with me. I can't even blame him, I turned him down 8 times. I tried to explain but my excuses have become tiresome and annoying even to my own ears. I almost even turned Cassie down when she asked if I wanted to go with her. I think I have issues if I reject my own sister, don't you? I can't just keep pushing people away. If  I'm really Jack's friend, I need to make time for us to do something(anything) together. I hope it's not too late, I want to be with  him so much it hurts. On the bright side, Sarah is doing better physically at least. She said her kids have been driving her crazy and it's even worse because her husband's not there to help her right now. I guess her problems always make mine look better, I didn't even know what to say when she told me that. I just gave her a hug and tried to make her feel better. Sometimes I feel really ill-equipped emotionally. I love everyone I talk about in my blog with all my heart, but I suck ass at expressing that love properly.  I like to think they know I love them, but part of me doubts that they do. I hope tomorrow's a good day. I'll be going swimming for the first time this year after we leave the amusement park tomorrow.
Today's song is "This love" by Pantera

BYE!!!!!

GOD DAMN IT !!!!!

HEY!!!

I got this incredibly weird call from Craig yesterday, he basically went the way of Trevor. He freaked the fuck out on me and asked why I agreed to go to Jack's show(before I got sick) and why I always turn him down. Okay, I'm a fucking idiot for giving him my number. I really didn't want to have to justify my relationship (such as it is) with Jack again, especially after what Mom said. >_>   I'm going to scream if someone else attacks our relationship again. Why do they seem to hate just this one guy when I know so many other people? They can probably tell that I have actual feelings for him and that seems to bother them. I tried explaining to Craig that I ultimately had to turn Jack down too, and that I've turned him down plenty of times; it didn't seem to work. I wish I could go to their show tonight, but I'm not going anywhere in my current state. I'm an idiot for giving him my number when all he does is clumsily try to ask me out every time he sees me. I think Jack is kind of pissed at me for turning him down again, especially after I went on about how excited and happy I was. It's days like this I ask myself why I even bother with guys, even a gorgeous guy like Jack. I swear to God, it'd be nice to do something without disappointing someone else. I have to figure out how to keep all these people in my life, I don't want to be without Jack or my family. But why does it always have to be him against my family or vice versa? To be fair, he never said anything bad about my family and both my parents have insulted him. >_> It would break my heart to be without them, even though they all cause me stress. They say that the line between love and hate is very thin right,? ^_~ I put up with their shit and the stress it causes me because I don't want to be without them. They put up with my shit in return, and they have my undying love and gratitude for it. I just wish that they could get along if they actually met. Yeah, fucking right. I guess that's about it for right now.
Today's song is "Bother" by Stone Sour (my favorite song)

BYE!!!!!!!!  

God damn it.....

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate to sound like a petulant little girl or something, but I'm so pissed that I won't get to go to Jack's show. Part of me realizes I shouldn't be putting up with his shit any more, but I still wanted to go. I got insulted when I told Mom a little about him, and towards the end of our conversation she said I won't find "anyone worthwhile" here. So she hates him already, and hasn't even met him. I can't believe her. It just really stings to hear her say it, you know? This is why I wanted to avoid telling her or Dad anything about him. I still have some stupid sense of loyalty to him. I really don't know how they'd all fit into my life, or how it could possibly all work out. I don't know why I keep rehashing this problem in my mind. To be fair, Jack got shoved aside by my family and other friends every time. Maybe I just wasn't making enough of an effort with him, you know? Fuck, maybe there isn't one single reason for this. I don't feel like I really want to be done with Jack, though I'm not sure why. I've said I was done with him before. I wonder if he'd make me more of a priority if I made him one. Maybe Jack isn't the guy I'm going to marry, but I don't know why we can't fucking at least be friends. Okay, part of me definitely doesn't want to let go of him without giving it a real shot. I really came to love him. Okay, this is getting really old. I've had the same God damn argument with myself too many times to count. I found out this guy I've been chatting with on Vampirefreaks and Facebook is married. >_> He didn't tell me that until now. I think I've just gotten myself into another shitty situation I have no idea how to get out of. It's not like we were flirting or anything, but I thought that it was weird that a married guy would tell another woman how pretty she is. I have to be really careful with him now, right? I just won't say anything that could be seen as flirtatious. >_>  Though it seems pretty easy to say something totally innocent and have it seem like it means something more. After all, that's what happened with Trevor and Craig. I'm going to switch subjects now, and say that I already miss Heather. She left for California yesterday, and it sucks. It pisses me off that she's gone and I'll probably never get to see her again. I guess that's it for right now.
Today's song is "People=shit" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Down with the sickness...yet again

HEY!!!!

I was right when I said I thought I was getting sick, again. My body always seems to give me some little preview of what's to come before hitting me with full on symptoms. So right now I'm in bed, hating this. It means I won't get to go Jack's show, so I had to reject him again. It's unbefuckinglieveable, isn't it? God fucking damn it. I don't know if he really gives a shit that I'm there, but it means something to me. I'm wondering if there's going to be an 11th invitation from him. I'm just so pissed that my own body is keeping from doing something I've wanted to do for weeks. Maybe with the extra work I've been doing, I wore myself down too much; ironically I did it so I could go to this fucking show. I'm just going to bitch for a while and get over it. Maybe this is some kind of sign that Jack and I aren't really meant to be together. I need a fucking hug. >_> I have to add that Heather got a job offer in San Fransisco and is taking it. I guess her older sister is living there and has been bugging her to come join her, and even found her a job. I know we'll keep in touch through Facebook and e-mail, but I hate having her taken away after only 3 or 4 weeks of friendship. I did get to go to a little going away party for her though, she made pancakes and we drank a lot of coffee. This whole thing has gotten me thinking that maybe Jack was never the guy for me in the first place, you know? Think about all the times I've felt really bad and insecure about myself because of him. I'm even thinking of deleting him from my friends list on Facebook, and just trying to forget him. I can't forget him, but maybe I could get over him. He's probably thinking I'm not worth his time either. I mean, you ask a girl somewhere 10 times and get shot down 8, what would you do? I'm still clinging to some feeble hope in the back of my mind that it means something that he kept asking, but it's getting harder and harder to convince myself. I guess that's it for right now.
Today's song is "People=shit" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!

Back to work.......

HEY!!!!!
Obviously, I've got work fairly soon. I'm taking this time to just chill and write for a while so that I'm calm and rested for the craziness that is my work. I'm really looking forward to Jack's show this weekend, I need a fucking break. I'm so stupid, I still get nervous talking to him. My heart fucking pounded when I saw that he "liked" when I said I was coming to his show, after knowing him for almost 3 God damn years. I know that it's not really that important, but it means something to me. Mark said he still wants to come with me to this show, as a "bodyguard". I keep trying to explain to him that I don't need him looking out for me, but I'd be lying if I said it weren't really sweet and deeply appreciated. In a way I don't think he really trusts Jack with me, though I'm his older sister. I deny and stuff my feelings down as much as I can, but I can't hide what's in my heart from someone who knows me as well as he does. I wish my feelings didn't play over my face so easily when it comes to Jack. There are times when I wish I didn't have these feelings, as I'm fairly sure they'll never be reciprocated in any serious manner. I mean, sure he likes me in some way, but he also likes about 100 other girls just as much and that's no good. He'd have to only love me, you know? God, it's crazy; I was never this possessive or protective with Camron. I never should have dated Camron, and
I should have told Jack how I feel about him immediately. >_> Too bad it's too fucking late for that. Oh well, I guess. I've talked a bit more with the guy who hit me up on Vampirefreaks, he's awesome. He even fucking cosplays!!! I think he and I have a hell of a lot in common. Too bad he lives on another continent. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks for getting me past the 21,000 pageview mark, btw. ^_^ Love my readers!!!!!
Today's song is "Gone with the sin' by HIM

BYE!!!!!!