From bad to worse

Hey!!!!

I guess today's entry title should be pretty self-explanatory, but I'll elaborate. My dad called again a few days after my last entry, to say that he had a heart attack. It was a minor one, and there wasn't really any damage to his heart, but it's still scary to think of what could have happened. I think he'll still be coming up here if his doctor okays it. I really hope he'll be okay, and does what his doctor tells him. I felt horrible when I found out about it, because I'd told mom I didn't really want to see him. I got to see Jack again yesterday, after almost a month of not seeing him, and it was both great and very disappointing. It was great because we spent another 15, maybe 20 minutes alone just chatting. I bought a "Pirates" shirt and he asked if I'd seen the movie yet, because he hadn't. I swear, for a split second I thought maybe he was leading up to asking me to see it with him. I'd kind of hoped something like this would happen, and I honestly thought in that moment that it would, but it didn't. I asked myself why I didn't just ask him myself, that was the perfect opening. I'm usually pretty intuitive, and I got that vibe from him. I'm hoping that I didn't misinterpret the situation, and that we both just totally wussed out in the end. His band has another few pretty big shows during the time that my dad's supposed to be here, which (sadly) means that I'm out and will have to wait again to see them live. We talked about his band, and he wanted to know which song of theirs is my favorite. I told him it was a tie, and it turns out the 2 songs I mentioned are also his favorites, I've heard him drumming the melody of one of them out on the counter when he gets bored or impatient at work. I'm pretty sure he was being sincere when he said those 2 are his favorites, and he would know since he wrote them. I also mentioned that his band's EP got a really good review in a local newspaper and he grins and says "I was so stoked when I saw that." Somehow, the term "stoked" isn't so stupid when he says it. ^_~ I'm just kind of desperate to know if he feels anything like I feel when we talk, if I had the slightest inclination that the feeling was mutual, I wouldn't be so scared to just go for it. I know that he remembers things about me, and that we do have some things in common, but I'm afraid that he doesn't think I'm pretty enough for him, and that's why he didn't ask me out yesterday. I know it's utter bullshit to reject someone based solely on physical appearance, but it happens every day. I do think it boosts his ego, though, to have a girl, even a slightly less pretty girl than he's probably used to, fawn over him and his music like that. I don't think it was fake when he grinned at me, but I'm not sure, and that bugs the hell out of me. I guess that's it for right now.

Thanks for reading!!!

The song for today is "A devil for me" by The Black Veil Brides I owe Jack for recomending this song to me, it ROCKS.

STRESSED

HEY!!!!!!

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to this, it wasn't deliberate, I swear. I thought I was freaking out last time I wrote, that was nothing compared to this. My dad is officially coming up here in about 3 weeks, and I swear I almost start hyperventilating every time I think about it. He's missed my entire adult life so far, most of my adolescence, and a good chunk of my childhood, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be talking to him about when he gets here. He admits himself that he knows next to nothing about me or my older brother, and he wants to try and fix that. Our 3 younger siblings are our half brothers and sister, our mom divorced our dad when I was still a baby. We don't think of them as "half" anything, though, which I think is pretty awesome. What's really funny about this is that my older brother, Danny, said exactly what I just said about our dad, and our mom kept pushing us to talk to him, anyway. What sucks more is that the whole Trevor/Jack/me situation hasn't been resolved, either. Trevor caught up with me again last Tuesday, and actually followed me a good part of the way home. This is where my little infatuation with Jack differs from Trevor's infatuation with me, I'd never follow Jack like that. He keeps asking me out, and asking me out, and I thought after the first few "no" responses, he'd have gotten the point on his own. I haven't seen Jack since the last time I wrote, either, and it sucks. I do think this helps prove that I'm not as bad as Trevor, at least I hope so. I wish I could have gone to his band's last 2 shows though, the second of which was just last night. I love the look on his face when he plays, all intense and serious. He looks a lot more like Jade when he plays, SO PRETTY. I'm going to make mum the word as far as Jack goes when my dad is here, trust me. My grandma is also sick, to add more crap to this already huge pile of crap on my shoulders. She looks like she'll be okay, though, fortunately. I just wish that all this crap hadn't piled up at once. I've talked some more with my best friend about her impending divorce, and it turns out the girl her soon to be ex-husband cheated on her with used to be her friend and co-worker. Can you say "ouch"? She also told me she's found another guy that she'd like to date, also named Jack, and she and I have the same first name. Is that funny or what? I guess that's all for right now.

The song for today is

"Gehenna" by Slipknot AWESOME!!!!!!!!

Thanks for reading!!!

Land of confusion.....

Hey!!! I've had a lot happen in the short time since I wrote last, and it's all sucked. I've hardly shut my i Pod off since I woke up, the music helps. That's kind of why that picture is up there. I got a call at about 8:00 this morning from my dad, wanting me to call him back, and I haven't yet, because I simply don't know what to say to him. I don't know if he'll call again, if I don't call him first. I wasn't ignoring the phone, I honestly didn't hear it ring. He might think I was ignoring him, though, and I don't want that, either. Then, Trevor keeps bugging me to talk to him, and he wants me to spend more time with him, and I don't know if I really want to. I want to spend time with Jack, but I haven't seen him in a week, and I don't know how much he wants to see me. Then, there's the matter of my mom and my baby brother. They both act like they really need me to be around, and they argue like 2 spoiled kids if I'm not there to act as a buffer. What the fuck am I supposed to do about all this? I seriously wish I were the Wonder Woman type who could fix all this, who always knew what to do. It's made even worse by the fact that I want everyone to come out of this happy, and I don't know how to make that happen. I guess that's it for right now, I just needed to get this off my chest. I forgot to add a song for yesterday, so I'll add 2 for today.
1.- "People=shit" by Slipknot It's definitely been that kind of day.
2." "Fade to black" by Metallica Because I LOVE it.

Just like heaven, only not........

HEY!!!

Sorry about slacking off here again for a bit, but I've been both pretty sick and pretty busy. I've seen Jack again, and almost wish I hadn't. He was cold, distant, and sort of dismissive, and it hurt. He was just very un-Jack like, normally he's sweet, talkative, and funny. I didn't exactly help things by not being very talkative that day either, but I thought that we would just start bullshitting like we always do, and we didn't. Trevor, that guy I met at the library last week, is sweet in a way, but just NOT what I'm looking for. He's going to be following me around for some time, though, until I tell him I don't feel the same about him and and break his poor heart. I feel guilty that I haven't told him yet, and I hate myself for not being honest with him. I also hate myself for vaguely enjoying his fawning attention. He said I was beautiful, and as a girl who's never really felt beautiful, it made me feel really good about myself. I'm going to hell though if I keep playing with him, right? I've been in his shoes, though, I AM in his shoes when it comes to Jack. It's just nice in a way to be the one being fawned over for once, you know? Okay, sorry. I've kind of let this blog devolve into a forum to bitch about my guy issues, and I shouldn't do that. Onto another subject, then. ^_^ The picture I put up is kind of for my sister and I, to symbolize the fact that after about 7 years of near constant fighting, arguing, and bitching at each other, we've buried the hatchet and become friends. I look most like Belldandy, but I'm the older sister, so that doesn't fit. Too bad Urd's my favorite character, but my sister looks a lot more like her, so that's what I'm going with. I guess that's it for right now, thanks for letting get this out.

BYE!!!!!!!!

Hold my breath as I wish for death.......

HEY!!!!!
I'm SO wishing now that I'd obeyed my first instinct yesterday, and stayed home. It wouldn't have been a bad idea to stay home this morning, either, though I did get to see Jack again. Yesterday, I got tired of sitting around after several hours of almost continuous sitting on my ass, so I just went to the library to see if I could find a good manga or two to help me sit still and let myself get better. Then this guy, Trevor, comments on the copious buttons on my bag, and I made the mistake of answering him, then he proceeds to follow me around the library like a puppy for at least half an hour, talking about anything and everything he can think of, despite the fact that I'm throwing every "not interested" signal I know at him, he just doesn't get or refuses to believe it. I walked directly fucking away from this guy, hardly looked him in the eye, mumbled my replies, and he STILL DOESN'T GET IT. There is totally a certain irony here, though, this guy feels about me the way Jack makes me feel. I didn't think very much of this, though, at first, since everyone seems to comment on my buttons, he wouldn't be the first guy to use the buttons as an excuse to start hitting on me, but usually it doesn't go on very long, and they take the "Screw off" hints a lot faster. Okay, enough about him. I got to talk to Jack for a bit this morning, though not nearly enough. I said something like "So that WAS you waving at me a couple of weeks ago as I was crossing the street?" he goes "Yeah, it was just funny; I was telling my friend who was in the car with me that I'd sold a cd to a customer at work, and there you were." It was cute, he even remembered which street it was. I don't know, maybe I was expecting a little too much after not seeing him for 3 weeks, I have a shitty habit of just building things up way too much in my head so it's never as good as I think it will be. Seriously, I wanted to throw my arms around him, but that would've hardly been appropriate. I don't know if we're still kind of getting to know each other or something, but I'm terrified that whatever it is we have, if we have anything, will always mean more to me than to him. God, I just hate being the more needy and vulnerable one. I chose today's entry title because I've been feeling so embarrassed the past couple of days I almost wish I could die and just not have to keep putting myself through this. I just want this one little aspect of my life to finally shape up, and to get it right for once. I have a few really good songs for today; here goes...
1. Celldweller- "Switchback" How I often feel about Jack.
2. Metallica-"One" ^_^
3. Stone Sour-"Orchids" Another excellent description of how I feel about Jack.
4. David Bowie feat. NIN- "I'm afraid of Americans" Simply awesome!!!
Thanks for reading.
BYE!!!!!!!!

Down with the sickness........AGAIN

HEY!!!

I'm feeling like utter crap, so I'll be able to sit and write for a while. I guess I've got this really terrible strain of the flu that's going around, I can't believe I'm sick again. Either I'm not taking proper care of myself (pretty likely) or this virus was just strong enough to overcome my immune system. Hopefully, I'll be okay in again in a few days. I'm kind of afraid I may have done something stupid, but I hope not. I commented on Jack's band's ep on their facebook page, saying that I thought it was good and put most of it on my ipod, which is true, but I really hope I didn't embarrass myself. He's the only one in the band who knows who the hell I am, I haven't met the other guys, so I really hope it doesn't make me seem kind of crazy or weird. I just really don't want to overstep any boundaries in what is still a pretty new and tenuous friendship, you know? I'm praying I haven't ruined one of the few truly good things to happen to me in over a year. It's just that I haven't gotten to see him or talk to him in about 3 weeks and I'm starting to miss him. I almost can't believe I worked up the courage to say anything, I'm such a wuss in that respect. Okay, onto another, much happier subject. I told my mom how shitty I was feeling, and she and my older brother came over with some anime, a Cure/Bauhaus concert video, and some of the most delicious iced tea I've ever had. I have to admit, there are times when I don't think I could love my family more; this is one of them. Today is also my favorite cousin's 32nd birthday, so of course I had to wish him a happy birthday. It's funny, he might be getting married soon, and no one gives him shit about waiting this long; yet as soon as I was out of high school, they were bugging me about finding a boyfriend and getting married. Sexist, much? I'm sorry, that just really pissed me off because it's so unfair. I guess that's it for right now, I'll let you if this whole thing about commenting on Jack's band's page blew up in my face or not. Before I forget, though, the song for today is "Just like heaven" by The Cure, simply because it's my favorite Cure song.

BYE!!!!!

Pirates kick ass.....

HEY!!!! I have some more stuff to talk about, and the time to do it, so here I am again. ^_^ I've got some good news, and some less than good news. I guess I'll just get the bad news over with first; another of my friends is thinking of getting divorced, and her husband is also a friend of mine, so it's a very strange and complicated situation. She's got the same basic complaint that my best friend did about her soon to be ex-husband, except that she's left with 3 kids to contend with when he's not there, and is sick of it. I hope they can figure out a way to work it out, but I really don't know if they can. It's stuff like this that seriously makes me question whether I ever want to get married, even if I think I could find the right guy, which I have very little faith that I could. I WOULD like to have more than 1 serious boyfriend in my life, though, and at least make an effort to be in a serious relationship. Okay, enough bad news. My sister got the job that she really wanted, and is SO excited and happy. I'm happy for her, she deserves this. It's for stuff like this that I'm actually glad I have facebook, I was talking to her and listening to Jack's band at the same time. I was alone, but I didn't exactly feel that way, listening to my friend and talking to my sister. I also have to say that I loved the 4th "Pirates of the Caribbean" as much as I anticipated, but that shouldn't come as a shock. I laughed like a total geeky fan girl when Jack Sparrow goes "Did everyone see that? Becasue I WILL NOT be doing it again." There's just something about that character, he's hilarious. I wanted to do a little bit of complaining about my mom, just to say that she is one of the biggest nags I've ever met. It's not like I just ever sit and do nothing, and yet she's always telling me "Do this", "Do that", and I can't really refuse because I know she doesn't really have anyone else to help her out with anything. I had a poem I wanted to share; it's not my best or my most recent, but here goes.

She mourns a love which will remain unknown,

She longs for a person, a place, which feel like home,

She says these things don't matter, she lies, she lies,

Without them, inside, she dies, she dies,

All she wants is a real connection,

Someone to offer peace, love, and protection,

Someone to stop the frantic panic of her mind,

Someone who is of her own kind,

She wants someone to hold her hand,

Someone who will truly understand,

Someone to keep a smile on her face,

Until she goes to her final resting place.

Please give me some feedback if you read this, critisism is okay, just be honest. I wrote this I think in the 8th grade, and I still feel almost the same way. I think in a lot of ways I still am that lonely, sad, angry, isolated little girl who wrote it. The song for toady is " Fade to black" by Metallica, just because it's good. Thanks for reading. BYE!!!!!!!!!