Back Again

HEY!!!
I'm SO sorry I haven't written anything in a long time. I don't do this deliberately, but so much shit has happened I can't keep up. I lost my friend Jessica a few weeks ago, and I still can't get over it. We had our first snow of the season, and her car slid off a bridge into the river. I can't tell you how much this hurts. Her funeral was one of the saddest days of my entire life and it's only now that I can write about it. Cory is also in rehab again, I'm praying he actually quits drinking this time. I miss him a lot, and actually just got a call from him, but it's better that he goes through this program and I hope it helps him. I'm using my old computer again because the new one I bought isn't worth shit and I had to get rid of it. I'm trying to think of some positive things to write about. Kyle and I are still together, though long distance relationships are really difficult. That's another part of the reason I haven't written much, I went to spend some time with him. That reignites the  guilt I felt for not seeing Jack when he asked me to come see him. Yes, I know it was a long way to travel and I had work more often than not, but I still feel like I should have put in the time and effort to go see him. Why would I do this for Kyle and not Jack, right? What makes one guy more worthy than the other?  I know I loved Jack, but why not try to show it more? I've also been looking into spending time in Japan. I might be able to get an English teaching job over there and I feel like a change of scenery would be really good for me. I know it seems like I'm just running from my problems, and maybe I am, but part of me just wants to get away from all the bad things here. The only problem with the idea of going to Japan is my family would really miss me, Mom and Mark in particular. I haven't brought up the subject yet with my parents or siblings, because part of me is afraid to. Cassie is thinking of moving across the country after a really bad break up and Mom is totally against it. Imagine me moving across the Pacific. Ultimately, we would both be moving because of a guy.I would really miss my family, no question, but the sense of freedom I felt when even thinking about moving to Japan was amazing. Cory was saying rehab isn't terrible. but he wishes he could see us, he gets lonely. I know that would be a problem for me too if I moved to Japan. I've never really had to be totally self-sufficient though because my family's always been there for me. Maybe that wasn't always good for me though, I don't want to depend on other people for everything. I think that's it for right now. I'm going to be back tomorrow. I promise.
Today's song is " One" by Metallica
BYE!!!!!

Family

HEY!!!
I'm so glad I get to write again. This week has been so stressful. Every time I see Mom and Mark it seems like they're arguing over something stupid that really doesn't matter and I get so tired of trying to play mediator. I've felt this way for a long time, but am actually close to saying something about it for once. They both complain to me about the other too, just like Mom and Dad do.  😢 I don't want to keep being put in the middle of fights that aren't mine and shouldn't really be fights in the first place. What do I do? I want to speak up about this shit, but then I'm worried they're going to say I don't get to speak up because it doesn't involve me. Yet it affects me too, you know?  I really just want to have a normal, happy family. I guess I'm doing all right, otherwise. I had a dream about Jack  last night, and almost woke up in tears. I know this pain is going to take some time to heal but I wish I could start the process already. Obviously, my subconscious also knows I'm not totally over him yet. I think that's about it for now that you some much for reading.
BYE!!!!

Today's song is "Nemesis" by Arch Enemy

Two terrible weeks

HEY!!!!I'm sorry I was gone for a while again. These have been 2 of the worst weeks of this year. My uncle died a few days ago. I got a call from my aunt late Wednesday night, telling me he'd passed away. I feel guilty for not going to Austria to see him and my aunt now. I know I should probably spend more time over there with my family, but it's so expensive. Seriously, it was less than half the price to fly to Tokyo than it would have been to fly to Vienna. Was I being selfish for going to Japan instead of Austria? I was chatting with Sabrina  last week and she seemed so disappointed that I'm not planning on flying over there anytime  soon. I hope I'm not pushing them all away to the point where they won't want to see me anymore when I go back there. Speaking of people I've pushed away, Jack is officially a married man and my heart needs some time to adjust to that. Mike went to the wedding and told me Jack and his wife looked so happy. I can just imagine his beautiful smile as they walked out of the church together. I'm going to be fine eventually, but this wound is still a little too new to really pick at anymore right now. I want Jack to be happy, and I'm happy with Kyle; but long distance relationships suck ass. I still haven't told anyone but Angela about Kyle and myself yet, I'm so afraid of how everyone's going to react. My parents are going to hate him, I know it. At least then Dad might shut up about my finding a boyfriend, but I'm still not ready to tell him. Mom's going to be the next person to find out, I just have to prepare her a bit. Cory got in trouble for drinking and driving again, his 2nd DUI, and I'm so disappointed in him. For a while he'd really quit drinking, and things were going so well for him. I don't know what happened to make him think he needed to  drink again, but I'm so fucking upset he didn't resist that impulse. He's going to be on probation until he's almost 29, and that sucks. I know he was upset by the loss of our uncle too, but that isn't the way to handle things. I also wanted to mention Chester Bennington's death, it was so sad. I know I'm not the only person who was touched by the lyrics he wrote and the words he sang, but I'm going to say my piece anyway. I was one of the probably millions of angry, lonely, scared kids who bought Linkin Park's first 2 albums and found solace and peace in their music, I felt validated and understood by someone I knew I'd never meet, and that was enough to get me through that. I still say "Numb" puts my feelings about Mom into words better than I ever could, and I still listen to that song. I guess that's really all I wanted to say about that. Thank you for reading.
BYE!!!!

Back again ^_^

HEY!!!

I'm so glad to be back again. It feels good to be writing again, I missed it while I didn't have a computer and didn't feel like writing. I'm going to a fireworks display with my family tonight, and I think it's going to be really nice and relaxing, which is what I need. I haven't told anyone about dating Kyle yet, I'm afraid of what they're going to think of him and I don't want anyone putting him down. I'm trying to rid my life of all traces of Jack. but it's so difficult. I've been doing a lot to try and distract myself. I saw an episode of "Little Witch Academia" in Japan and loved it, so I've been watching a lot of it now that they've finally brought it to the U.S.  I just thought it was cute and funny, and I liked the art style. I'm also really looking forward to the 3DS version of "Pokémon Soul Silver" that's coming out this Fall, since that's one of the few "Pokémon" games I didn't get to play originally. I've been trying to get into new music too, but few bands have really impressed me. I'm finally coming around to Ghost BC, though I know they're not really a new band. I didn't really give them a fair chance though, if I'm honest. I'm thinking of staying in Japan for a while, like I said yesterday. I just want a fresh start and to be alone for a while to truly figure things out. I think I understand part of why Mom came here from Austria by herself, she needed to be far away from everything over there. If I remember right, she was also trying to get over a guy. I might wish I'd never fallen in love with Jack. but what's done is done. I think that's it for now. Thank you for reading.

Today's song is "Circie" by Ghost BC

BYE!!!!

New computer, new month, a lot of the same shit

HEY!!!!
I finally gave up the ghost on my old computer, it wasn't worth fixing again. I'm loving my new computer so far, but am still a little nervous about using it. I don't want to ruin it like I did my other 2. Jack is getting married in 10 days and I just can't stand to see all the happy wedding and honeymoon pictures that are bound to show up. I finally found the strength to take him off my Facebook friends list, which I know I should have done long ago. I still miss him so much, and it fucking breaks my heart to let him go, but I know for my own good I have to. I guess that's taking a baby step in the right direction, but that doesn't mean it was easy or that it didn't really hurt. I'm also still considering taking an extended trip to Japan, just to get my head right again and help me reevaluate what's really important to me and who's really important to me. I still have arguments with my dad as to why I'm not married, and he still regards me as a failure because I'm not. 😠 I haven't told him about kind of going out with Kyle, I'm not ready to unleash my dad upon the poor guy. It doesn't seem fair to Kyle though to pursue anything further with me when I'm still not over Jack and he knows it. I do like him, but I'm afraid I'm going to bring whatever we have down if I don't fully deal with my feelings for Jack first. I really like him though, and don't want to ruin this. 😗 Is it better that I'm finally feeling like I could move on now? That's another reason for my long absence from here, I've been trying to deal with all my emotional shit and put myself back together. I think that's it for now, but I really will try to post more now that I'm doing somewhat better emotionally. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is " Zakuro" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!

I'm back, sorry to be gone so long

HEY!!!!
I'm really sorry for my lack of upkeep on this blog. It's been so long since I've really had any time to myself. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but I can't exactly get my thoughts sorted out unless I have peace and quiet and a fair amount of time to write. I've been thinking again about moving to Japan. I don't want to tell my parents how seriously I've been considering this, just because I feel I need a change of scenery so badly. I know Jack's wedding is coming up and quite frankly the less I hear about it the better. I don't blame him for going with a girl who was willing to give him the time and attention he deserves, but that doesn't mean it doesn't break my fucking heart. Part of the reason I've been so busy is that I've been trying to distract myself from these thoughts, but it only goes so far. I know I don't necessarily want to be alone forever, but I don't want to be with a guy I don't really love just to say that at least I have a guy. Maybe I am a victim of my own picky and hard headed nature in that respect. Anyway, enough about my man troubles. I should probably fill you guys in on what else has been going on in my life. I'm going to see "Pirates of the Caribbean; Dead Men Tell no Tales" later and "Wonder Woman" next weekend. It makes me happy to go to the movies, so that's what I do if I get depressed. I can't help thinking of Jack's love of the Pirates movies and how that helped us grow closer as friends, and I hate it. I really can't wait to see "Kuroko no Basuke; Last Game" when it comes out on Blu-ray or DVD, I wish I'd had the guts to tell Cassie that I wanted to go see this movie was in theaters in Japan when we were there and it was playing. I wouldn't have needed subtitles, I'm really improving my Japanese. Cassie doesn't like sports anime and doesn't get why I do and I really didn't want to start an argument over something relatively minor like this. I'm also going swimming after I finish writing, it's been hotter than hell lately. My family life is going as well as can be expected, though I still have trouble getting my parents to understand my feelings often. I think that's it for today, thank you for reading.
Today's song is Zakuro" by Dir En Grey \
BYE!!!!!

 

Meeting Kyle in person, and a whirlwind trip to Japan

HEY!!!!!
I'm so sorry I haven't written in such a long time. I was so busy with last minute preparations for our trip before we left, and I ran out of time to write. I got a Facebook message from Kyle in Japan, asking if I wanted to meet him in Shibuya. He's so cute in person, and very charming. I have to admit it was difficult not to be charmed by him. Cassie was hanging out with her friend who moved over there at the time, so we ate and went shopping for a few hours. Was that a date? It was so nice to see him, and it was good not to think about Jack for a while. I truly loved our trip to Japan, but even in two weeks we didn't get to do everything that we wanted to. We got to see a beach, cherry blossoms, and a lot of beautiful places. I also got a lot of shopping done. I wish I could have seen "Kuroko no Basuke Last Game", but Cassie never would have wanted to go so I didn't suggest it. I can't wait to get it on Blu-Ray, though. I think that's about it for now. I'm going to be back tomorrow.
Today's song is " Vanitas" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!!! \