Trip to the hospital, sister trip, and more

HEY!!!
Good morning, and I'm so glad to finally be back. I was in the hospital because I was having the worst, most intense stomach pains I've ever felt in my life. At first I was really afraid it might be appendicitis, but luckily it wasn't. I had an infection in my intestines, which also really sucks. At any rate, I'm feeling better now and I'm glad of it. I booked flights for Cassie and myself to Tokyo. We're leaving on March 15th, and I can't wait. I'm also going to carve my pumpkin today, and it's going to be a lot of fun. Cassie and I are going to Nagoya, Chiba, and Tokyo. I think that's it for now.
Today's song is " Dead Memories" by Slipknot
BYE!!!!

Trying to act like I'm okay

HEY!! Thank you for reading my last two posts, they were difficult to write. I'm trying to act like nothing is wrong, but doubt it's very convincing. I have to figure out what to do next, and I wish it weren't so. I'm going to miss him for a long time. After Rob rejected me and left it took me two years to get back to normal, and five years after what Camron did to me. I don't want to give so much time to hurting and feeling like shit again. That's what bothers me, though_ two guys fucked me up fairly badly for seven years. Most of the time I spent with Jack was happy and I just wish things had ended differently. I don't know how to let go just yet, my heart still belongs to him if I'm honest.  I know I told him to leave, and ultimately it was the right thing to do, but that doesn't mean it was easy. I know I take things very seriously and getting rejected shouldn't be a big deal but it is for me. I'm not the kind of girl who falls in and out of love like it's nothing. I wanted to give my heart to him and have his in return. I hate the idea of them being so happy and know it's wrong. Mike just texted me to ask how I'm doing, and I don't want to lie to him. I could say at least I'm not crying anymore.    I think maybe I should answer him, but pull my  punches a bit. I want to remain his friend, and hope it's not too awkward between us. I think that's it for now. 

Saddest week ever

 HEY!!!
I really wish I could say I'm feeling better now, but that wouldn't be true. I've officially cut Jack out of my life, and it feels like something is missing. I hate that he still makes me feel the way he does. I miss his laugh, smile, and basically everything about him. I know it's for the best, but I hate this. I don't think I'm ever going to meet another guy like him. I went grocery shopping Tuesday, which is the only non-work thing I've done this week, and the cashier was being very flirtatious, and I just couldn't handle it. I paid for my food, and basically ran out the door so he'd leave me alone. I think I will play some games today, but I'll probably just play some Slender alone. I have to admit that cashier made me wonder though, if maybe I hadn't cast off good potential boyfriends because of Jack. I have to admit, I'm picky when it come to looks, and if I'm not attracted to a guy, I usually won't talk to him. Am I shallow? I think that's about it for now.
Today's song is "Sulfur" by Slipknot
BYE!!!!

Craziest week of my life

Hey!!!

 I'm so glad to be back again. I can't t tell you how great it is to finally sit and write about the epic shit storm that is my life right now. I tried to ignore Jack after our last fight, thinking it would be for the  best, but he called me and apologized, then asked if he could come over, saying he wanted to talk. I said yes, hoping things would go better than the last time we spoke. He apologized again, saying he didn't mean to hurt me, and I wanted to believe him. He also said he didn't want his girlfriend to create a   rift between us, not knowing she has. I told him I understood and didn't want to make things more difficult for him and that I'd do nothing to stand in their way.He gave me this weird look and said that he liked me for a long time after we first met, but I never gave him the time of day and never made being with him a priority, so he moved on and gave up because he felt rejected. Why the fuck is he saying this when we've known each other for seven years almost??!!?! He told me it was too difficult to know where he stood with me and I held too much back. He actually had the guts to kiss me after he said that. Are all men fucking mental or is this my fault too? I day dreamed about this, and when it finally happens it feels wrong because he isn't mine to kiss. I really worry what his actions have wrought here. I don't think his girlfriend is ever going to forgive me, and the sad part is I can't blame her. I told him to leave and to never speak to me again. I never thought it could hurt to break up with someone you weren't really with in the first place, but God damn if my heart didn't break like glass the second he left.  I really thought he was everything I wanted in a man, and there were so many times I asked if he couldn't be my soulmate. I don't know how to deal with this, I've never wanted to be with someone so badly yet I was still too afraid to go for it. I've never had a man who understood me like he does, it makes me sad beyond measure to know that I could have had him if I'd just let him in. I fell numb and tired now, I don't want to get up or go to work tomorrow. I really should call Angela or Cassie, but I just can't. I just want to cry and be alone. I think that's it for now.

God damn it

HEY!!!
Good morning, I'm really glad to be back again. I had another fight with Jack, this time over the phone. He called me, trying to act like nothing had happened. I told him I can't do this with him anymore. He knows I can't be mad at him without extreme difficulty, I don't think he realizes how much he's hurting me by doing this. I cried over the phone, I need to let him go and he needs to let me let him go. I still really want to be with him, but it's never going to happen and I need to accept that. I've been pouring myself even harder into my work lately, and have been offered more hours, but I can't possibly take them. I kind of want to go to Japan with Cassie, Marie, and Julia right now. I think that's really it for now. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "I'm so sick" by Flyleaf
BYE!!!

Leaving Jack alone, reaffirming friendships, but still feeling lost

HEY!!!
I'm sorry that once again I haven't been here. I had a rather huge fight with Jack last night because he invited me to one of his band's shows and I just can't bare to go there and see his girlfriend watching him like a hawk. I know she still hates me, and I'm not going to stand there anymore and know that they're together, happy, and I have no chance with him,. I'm still in love with him, but he's never going to return that love so I need to let him go. This led to  an unexpected bonding moment with Cassie, though, as she and her boyfriend had just broken up too. I posted the video for Slipknot's "Snuff", and she said "I love this song", which made me really happy. She then called me and we just talked about guys and cried a little over our respective man troubles.It was kind of nice to be able to talk to her like this, and liberating as hell to know I can trust her with my feelings and she won't make fun of me. It's nice to know that she trusts me with her feelings, too. I just needed to talk to someone and didn't want to burden Angela or Jessica with my problems.I especially didn't want to bother Angela because she's supposed to have had her baby 2 days ago and is freaking out over that. She called me because she needed me and I couldn't let her down. It's nice knowing at least I don't have to be strong in front of Cassie all the time. I'm going to have my gaming session with my friends soon, minus Angela, I'm going to dye my hair though, I've gotten a little bit bored of it. I think that's all for now. Thank you for reading.
Today's songs are "Snuff" and "Dead Memories" by Slipknot.
BYE!!!!!!!

Finally back again

HEY!!!
Good morning, and sorry I've been gone so much again. I had to go out of town for work last weekend, so I didn't even get to have my gaming session with my girls. I really missed it. I have to fess up right now and say that I saw Jack yesterday, I'd missed him so much. I hate the power he still has over me and how difficult it really is for me to let him go.  He even hugged me and gave me tickets to his band's next 2 shows. What the fuck am I going to do with this guy? I can't help loving him, yet I know I can't be with him. He doesn't seem to want to let go of our friendship, either. Do I remain his friend and ignore that it kills me to know that's all we're ever going to be or move on and try to find a guy who makes me feel this way too but is actually in love with me? I did have a really nice conversation last weekend with Cory, that was pretty much the highlight of my weekend. I'm glad we can talk like this and are friends again. I think that's it for right now.
Thanks so much for reading.
Today's song is "Uroko" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!