Good morning, everyone. I'm sorry I've been so lax with this, but my life seems to have gotten more out of hand than it was the last time I bitched about it. I'm going to start with the positive, though. I had my 30th birthday almost a month ago, and felt very loved because so many of my friends and all of my family were there for me and wished me a happy birthday. I can't fucking believe I'm that old already, it doesn't feel like it, believe me. Cassie and Cory are turning 24 very soon, which also seems crazy. Things have been going great at work, though I'm always sick of it. All right, now comes the negative shit that I try not to dwell on but can't help it. I haven't talked much to Jack lately, because I'm really afraid of upsetting his girlfriend. He has a new girlfriend, and she is super possessive of him. She's always posting pictures of them, one kind of like the one above was one of the first. He was single for a couple of months, and once again, I fucking blew it. This was my almost exact expression and thought when I found out about them, because he didn't tell me. It hurts every time I see them so happy together. I think we were close to having something together, but it's not going to happen now. I miss him, and am afraid of what's going to happen to our friendship now. Am I going to have to cut him out entirely from my life? I've tried so hard to act like this doesn't hurt, but it's made me cry a few times. I just hate how things have turned out between us. I hate that he made me so happy, can always make me laugh, and I might not ever be able to see him again. I realize I pushed him away a lot of times and put my job and family ahead of him, but I didn't know what else to do. I've apologized often for not making more time for him, but it doesn't seem to help after doing it for 5 years straight. I'm also worried about Cory, he got caught drinking again and is being sent to rehab for up to 3 months. It's a rehab facility that's close, so at least I can go see him, but it hurts to think that my little brother is enough of an alcoholic that he needs to be sent to this place where they force him to quit drinking. I hope it helps him. I hate to think that he's being sent away just as our relationship was finally getting better again, I'm going to miss him. I always think I could have been a better sister to him, but he didn't always let me in like Mark does, and that's why we weren't as close. He's finally letting me in now, but it took years to get here. I talked to him last night and he said so far all he's really done is watch bad TV and wait to be sent to a place he doesn't want to go. He made me laugh when he said how watching TV there just reminded him how much he fucking hates commercials, it was so good just to hear his voice. I know things with my family probably wouldn't be so good if I hadn't kept Jack at arms' length so much to focus on them, but now things with him have gone entirely to hell and I don't know what to do. I was struggling for years to find that balance and I guess I finally failed. I know how important my family is and always will be to me, but Jack was important too. I think that's all for now. Today's song is "Vampires will never hurt you"- by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!!!!
